Bible Bell's Clean Humor & Peaceful Thoughts
April 2002


Good-old-days: A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of this price. What is his profit?

1990's: A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80 and his profit is $20. Your assignment is to underline the number 20.

2000's: By cutting down beautiful forest trees, an environmentally ignorant logger makes a profit of $20. What do you think of this way of making a living? In your group, use role play to determine how the forest birds and squirrels feel.

Preez Speak Engrish

"Is forbidden to steal hotel towels please. If you are not person to do such thing is please not to read notice..."
-In a Tokyo Hotel

"Please to bathe inside the tub."
-In a Japanese Hotel Room

"The lift is being fixed for the next day. During that time we regret that you will be unbearable."
-In a Bucharest Hotel Lobby

"Do not enter the lift backwards, and only when lit up."
-In a Leipzig Elevator

"To move the cabin, push button for wishing floor. If the cabin should enter more persons, each one should press a number of wishing floor. Driving is then going alphabetically by national order."
-In a Belgrade Hotel Elevator

"Please leave your values at the front desk."
-In a Paris Hotel Elevator

"Visitors are expected to complain at the office between the hours of 9 and 11 A.M. daily."
-In a Hotel in Athens

"The flattening of underwear with pleasure is the job of the chambermaid."
-In a Yugoslavian Hotel

"You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid."
-In a Japanese Hotel

"You are welcome to visit the cemetery where famous Russian and Soviet composers, artists, and writers are buried daily except Thursday."
-In the Lobby of a Moscow Hotel Across from a Russian Orthodox Monastery

"Not to perambulate the corridors in the hours of repose in the boots of ascension."
-In an Austrian hotel catering to skiers

"Our wines leave you nothing to hope for."
-On the Menu of a Swiss Restaurant

"Salad a firm's own make; limpid red beet soup with cheesy dumplings in the form of a finger; roasted duck let loose; beef rashers beaten up in the country people's fashion."
-On the Menu of a Polish Hotel

"For your convenience, we recommend courageous, efficient self-service."
-In a Hong Kong supermarket

"Ladies may have a fit upstairs."
-Outside a Hong Kong tailor shop

"Drop your trousers here for best results."
-In a Bangkok dry cleaner's

"Order your summer suit. Because is big rush we will execute customers in strict rotation."
-In a Rhodes tailor shop

"There will be a Moscow Exhibition of Arts by 15,000 Soviet Republic painters and sculptors. These were executed over the past two years."
-From the Soviet Weekly

"A new swimming pool is rapidly taking shape since the contractors have thrown in the bulk of their workers."
-In an East African newspaper

"In case of fire, do your utmost to alarm the hotel porter."
-In a Vienna hotel

"Because of the impropriety of entertaining guests of the opposite sex in the bedroom, it is suggested that the lobby be used for this purpose."
-In a Zurich hotel

"Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon having a good time."
-In a Rome laundry

"Stop: Drive Sideways."
-Detour sign in Kyushu, Japan

"Special today---no ice cream."
-In a Swiss mountain inn

"Special cocktails for the ladies with nuts."
-In a Tokyo bar

"We take your bags and send them in all directions."
-In a Copenhagen airline ticket office

"When passenger of foot heave in sight, tootle the horn. Trumpet him melodiously at first, but if he still obstacles your passage then tootle him with vigor."
-From a brochure of a car rental firm in Tokyo

Things You Don't Want to Hear During Surgery:

  • Better save that. We'll need it for the autopsy.
  • "Accept this sacrifice, O Great Lord of Darkness"
  • Bo! Bo! Comeback with that! Bad Dog!
  • Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what's that?
  • Hand me that...uh...that uh.....thingie
  • Oh no! I just lost my Rolex.
  • Oops! Hey, has anyone ever survived 500 ml of this stuff before?
  • Everybody stand back! I lost my contact lens!
  • This patient has already had some kids, am I correct?
  • Nurse, did this patient sign the organ donation card?
  • Don't worry. I think it is sharp enough.
Tech Support: OK Bob, let's press the control and escape keys at the same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen. Now type the letter "P" to bring up the Program Manager.

Customer: I don't have a "P".

Tech Support: On your keyboard, Bob.

Customer: What do you mean?

Tech Support: "P" on your keyboard, Bob.

Customer: I'm not going to do that!

Tech Support VERSUS Exodus 20.4-5

Tech Support: All double-click on the File Manager icon.

Customer: That's why I hate this Windows -- because of the icons. I'm a good
Christian, and I don't believe in icons.

Tech Support: Well, that's just an industry term sir. I don't believe it was meant to...

Customer: I don't care about any "Industry Terms" -- I do NOT believe in icons!

Tech Support: Okay, then... why don't you just click on the little picture of a file cabinet -- is "little picture" OK?

Customer: [click]

Pastor Bob shocked the congregation when he announced that he was resigning from the church and moving to a drier climate.

After the service, a very distraught lady came to the pastor with tears in her eyes. "Oh, Pastor Bob, we are going to miss you so much. We don't want you to leave!"

Pastor Bob patted her hand and said, "Now, now, Carolyn, don't carry on. The pastor who takes my place might be even better than me".

"Yeah," Carolyn said, with a tone of disappointment in her voice, "That's what
they said the last time too."

A woman in her forties got married but was a bit nervous about her honeymoon.

Pastor Carl wanted to encourage her by sending a telegram with a verse of Scripture...

1 John 4:18 - There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear.

But the Pastor's oral instructions to the church typist omitted, by mistake, the 1 before John and the telegram just read...

John 4:18 - For you have had five husbands, and he whom you now have is not your husband; this you said truly.

Sister Luella died and arrived in heaven. At heaven's gates she met Saint Peter.

St. Peter asked her what God's name was.

"Oh that's easy," Sister Luella replied. "God's name is Andy."

"'What makes you think His name is Andy?" St. Peter asked incredulously.

"'Well, you see at Church we often sing this hymn -- 'Andy walks with me, Andy talks with me.' "






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