BibleBell's Clean Humor
May 2002

The Apocryphal Book of Military Proverbs

A slipping gear could let your grenade launcher fire when you least expect it. That would make you quite unpopular in what's left of your unit.

Instruction printed on US Rocket Launcher - "Aim towards Enemy."

When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not our friend.

Cluster bombing from B-52s is very, very accurate. The bombs always hit the ground.

If the enemy is in range, so are you.

Whoever said the pen is mightier than the sword obviously never encountered automatic weapons.

When in doubt, empty the magazine.

If God had meant for us to be in the Navy, we would have been born with gray, baggy skin.

Try to look unimportant -- they may be low on ammo.

You, you, and you... Panic. The rest of you, come with me.

Odd objects attract fire - never lurk behind one.

Incoming fire has the right of way.

Don't look conspicuous: it draws fire.

Tracers work both ways.

Five second fuses only last three seconds.

The easy way is always mined.

Don't ever be the first, don't ever be the last, and don't ever volunteer to do anything.

Never share a foxhole with anyone braver than you.

If your attack is going well, you have walked into an ambush.

Teamwork is essential. It gives the enemy someone else to shoot at.

No combat-ready unit has ever passed inspection.

Make it too tough for the enemy to get in, and you can't get out.

Any ship can be a minesweeper... once.

Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do.

The more you sweat in peace, the less you bleed in war.

Don't draw fire -- it irritates the people around you.

The enemy invariably attacks on one of two occasions...

  • When you're ready for them
  • When you're not ready for them

Combat will occur on the ground between two adjoining maps.

Friendly fire - isn't.

The side with the simplest uniforms wins.

When you're short of everything but the enemy, you're in combat.

Mines are equal opportunity weapons.

If you find yourself in a fair fight, then you didn't plan your mission properly.

Interpretations of nature from test papers and essays submitted to science and health teachers by students in junior high, high school, and college

  • When you breath, you inspire. When you do not breath, you expire.
  • H2O is hot water, and CO2 is cold water
  • To collect fumes of sulfur, hold a deacon over a flame in a test tube.
  • When you smell an odorless gas, it is probably carbon monoxide
  • Water is composed of two gins, Oxygin and Hydrogin. Oxygin is pure gin. Hydrogin is gin and water.
  • Three kinds of blood vessels are arteries, vanes and caterpillars.
  • Blood flows down one leg and up the other.


  • Respiration is composed of two acts, first inspiration, and then expectoration.
  • The moon is a planet just like the earth, only it is even deader.
  • A super-saturated solution is one that holds more than it can hold.
  • Mushrooms always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas.
  • The body consists of three parts--the brainium, the borax and the abominable cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abominable cavity contains the bowels, of which there are five - a, e, i, o, and u.
  • The pistol of a flower is its only protection against insects.
  • The alimentary canal is located in the northern part of Indiana.


  • The skeleton is what is left after the insides have been taken out and the outsides have been taken off. The purpose of the skeleton is something to hitch meat to.
  • A permanent set of teeth consists of eight canines, eight cuspids, two molars, and eight cuspidors.
  • The tides are a fight between the Earth and moon. All water tends towards the moon, because there is no water in the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.
  • A fossil is an extinct animal. The older it is, the more extinct it is.
  • Equator: A managerie lion running around the Earth through Africa.
  • Germinate: To become a naturalized German.
  • Liter: A nest of young puppies.


  • Magnet: Something you find crawling all over a dead cat.
  • Momentum: What you give a person when they are going away.
  • Planet: A body of Earth surrounded by sky.
  • Rhubarb: A kind of celery gone bloodshot.
  • Vacuum: A large, empty space where the pope lives.
  • Before giving a blood transfusion, find out if the blood is affirmative or negative.
  • To remove dust from the eye, pull the eye down over the nose.

And finally...

  • For a nosebleed: Put the nose much lower than the body until the heart stops.
  • For drowning: Climb on top of the person and move up and down to make artificial perspiration.
  • For fainting: Rub the person's chest or, if a lady, rub her arm above the hand instead. Or put the head between the knees of the nearest medical doctor.
  • For dog bite: Put the dog away for several days. If he has not recovered, then kill it.
  • For asphyxiation: Apply artificial respiration until the patient is dead.
  • For head cold: Use an agonizer to spray the nose until it drops in your throat.
  • To keep milk from turning sour: Keep it in the cow.

Star Trek: The Lost Episode

(Capt. Kirk) Mr. Spock, have you had any success with your attempts at finding a weakness in the Borg? And Lt. Ohura, have you been able to access their command pathways?

(Spock) Yes, Captain. In fact, we found the answer by searching through our archives on early 21st century computing technology.

(Ohura presses a key, and a logo appears on the computer screen.)

(Doc looks puzzled.) What the hell is a

(Spock turns to answer.) Allow me to explain. We will send this program, for some reason called
©Windows, through the Borg command pathways. Once inside their root command unit, it will begin consuming system resources at an unstoppable rate.

(Kirk) But the Borg can adapt. Won't they alter their processing systems to increase their storage capacity?

(Spock) Yes, Captain. But when
©Windows detects this, it creates a new version of itself known as an Upgrade. The use of resources increases exponentially with each iteration. The Borg will not be able to adapt quickly enough. Eventually all of their processing ability will be taken over, and none will be available for their normal operational functions.

(Kirk) Excellent work, Spock. This is even better than that 'unsolvable geometric shape' idea."

(Scotty) Captain, We have successfully downloaded the
©Windows into the Borg's command unit. As Mr. Spock predicted, it immediately consumed 85% of all resources. We however have not received any confirmation of the expected Upgrade.

(Lt. Ohura) Our scanners have picked up an increase in Borg storage and CPU capacity to compensate, but we still have no indication of an
Upgrade to compensate for their increase.

(Kirk) Ohura, scan the history banks again and determine if there is something we missed.

(Spock) Sir, I believe there is a reason for the failure in the
Upgrade. Apparently the Borg have circumvented that part of the plan by not sending in their registration cards.

(Doc) Jim, there's no other choice. If you don't begin emergency escape sequence 3F right now, we'll all die!

(Ohura, excited) Wait, Captain! I just detected their CPU capacity has suddenly dropped to 0! Apparently the Borg have found an internal
©Windows module named Solitaire and it has used up all their CPU capacity.

(Scotty) Captain, maybe we should wait and see how long this
Solitaire can reduce their functionality.

(Kirk) Mr. Spock what's the status on the Borg now?

(Spock) As expected the Borg are attempting to re-engineer to compensate for increased CPU and storage demands, but each time they successfully increase resources, I have setup our closest deep space monitor beacon to transmit more
©Windows modules from something called the Microsoft Fun-Pack.

(Kirk) How much time will that buy us ?

(Spock) Current Borg solution rates allow me to calculate an interest time span of 6 more hours.

(Ohura) Captain, an alien vessel has entered our sector.

(Kirk) Put it on-screen.

(Scotty) It appears to have markings very similar to the
Microsoft logo"


(Ohura) Captain, the alien ship has just opened its forward hatches and released thousands of humanoid shaped objects.

(Kirk) Magnify forward viewer of the alien craft!

(Doc) My God, Jim! Those are humans floating straight toward the Borg ship with no life support suits! How can they survive the tortures of deep space?

(Spock) I don't believe those are humans, sir. If you look closer I believe you will see that they are wearing Armani suits from the 21st century, and carrying leather briefcases.

(Doc and Kirk together horrified) Lawyers!!

(Scotty) It can't be. All the Lawyers were rounded up and sent hurtling into the sun in 2017 during the Great Awakening.

(Spock) True, but apparently some must have survived.

(Ohura) They have surrounded the Borg ship and are covering it with all types of papers.

(Spock) I believe that is known in ancient vernacular as 'red tape' - it often proves fatal.

(Doc) My God, Jim, they're tearing the Borg to pieces!

(Kirk, turning green and gagging) Ohura -- turn off the monitors! I can't stand to watch. Not even the Borg deserve that!






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