BibleBell's Clean Humor
June 2002


Down through the centuries, patients have complained: "Doctor, I have an ear ache."
Replies of the Doctors, down through the centuries...

  • 1500 B.C. - "Here, eat this root."
  • 1000 B.C. - "That root is heathen, say this prayer."
  • 1850 A.D. - "That prayer is superstition, drink this potion."
  • 1940 A.D. - "That potion is snake oil, swallow this pill."
  • 1985 A.D. - "That pill is ineffective, take this antibiotic."
  • 2002 A.D. - "That antibiotic won't work on resistant bacteria. Here, eat this root!"

Actual Quotations from Medical Interview Records
Written by Various Paramedics & Emergency Room Personnel

  • The baby was delivered, the cord clamped and cut and handed to the pediatrician, who breathed and cried immediately.
  • The skin was moist and dry.
  • Rectal exam revealed a normal size thyroid.
  • Patient stated that she had been constipated for most of her life until 1989 when she got a divorce.
  • The patient was in his usual state of good health until his airplane ran out of gas and crashed.
  • The patient lives at home with his mother, father, and pet turtle, who is presently enrolled in day care three times a week.
  • Bleeding started in the rectal area and continued all the way to Los Angeles.
  • Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.
  • She is numb from her toes down.
  • Exam of genitalia was completely negative except for the right foot.
  • While in the emergency room, she was examined, X-rated and sent home.
  • The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.
  • Occasional, constant, infrequent headaches.
  • Coming from Detroit, this patient has no children.
  • Examination revealed a well-developed male lying in bed with his family in no distress.
  • Patient was alert and unresponsive.
  • When patient fainted, her eyes rolled around the room.

General Motors doesn't provide Tech Support for people who don't know how to drive, because people don't buy cars like they buy computers. BUT imagine if they did...

  • GM Tech Support: "General Motors Help Line, how can I help you?"
  • Customer: "Hi! I just bought my first car, and I chose a Chevrolet because it has automatic transmission, cruise control, power steering,power brakes, and power door locks."
  • GM Tech Support: "Thanks for buying our car. How can I help you?"
  • Customer: "How do I work it?"
  • GM Tech Support: "Uhhh... do you know how to drive?"
  • Customer: "Do I know how to WHAT?"
  • GM Tech Support: "Do you know how to drive?"
  • Customer: "Now see here -- I'm not a technical person! I just want to go places in my car!"

These are actual excuse notes from parents (including spelling)...

  • My son is under a doctor's care and should not take P.E. today. Please execute him.
  • Please excuse Roland from P.E. for a few days. Yesterday he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip.
  • Please excuse Jimmy for being. It was his father's fault.
  • Please excuse Jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot to get the Sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it Monday, we thought it was Sunday.

Eighty-two-year-old Louella was well-known for her Christian faith, and for her boldness in talking about it. Louella often would stand on her front porch and shout, "PRAISE THE LORD!"

Next door to her lived Kevin, an cantankerous old atheist who sometimes would get so angry at Louella's proclamations that he would shout, "THERE AIN'T NO LORD!!"

And then...

  • Hard times set in on Louella. One morning Louella went out on her porch and shouted: "PRAISE THE LORD! God, I need food!! I am having a hard time. Please Lord, SEND ME SOME GROCERIES!!"
  • The next morning Louella went out onto her porch and discovered a large bag of groceries sitting there. She shouted: "PRAISE THE LORD! THANK YOU GOD FOR THE FOOD!"
  • Kevin immediately leaped out from behind a bush, waving both his arms triumphantly. "AHA!!! I told you there ain't no Lord. I put those groceries on your porch. NOT GOD!"
  • Louella started jumping up and down and clapping her hands. Joyfully she shouted: "THANK YOU GOD! You not only sent me groceries, but You made the devil pay for them! PRAISE THE LORD!"
The Reverend Billy Graham tells of a time early in his ministry when he arrived in a small town to preach a sermon. Wanting to mail a letter, he asked a young boy where the post office was. When the boy had told him, Dr. Graham thanked him and said, "If you'll come to the Church this evening, you can hear me telling everyone how to get to Heaven."

"I don't think I'll be there," the boy said. "You don't even know your way to the post office."
Fred had been lost and walking in the desert for about 2 weeks. One hot day, Fred sees the home of a missionary. Tired and weak, he crawls up to the house and collapses on the doorstep. The missionary finds him and nurses him back to health.

Feeling better, Fred asks the missionary for directions to the nearest town. On Fred's way out the backdoor, he sees a horse. He goes back into the house and asks the missionary, "Could I borrow your horse and give it back when I reach the town?"

The missionary says, "Sure but there is a special thing about this horse. Namely, he's blind as a bat. But he always does just exactly what you tell him to do. To make him go, just say 'Thank God' and when you want him to stop, just say 'Amen.' "

Fred says, "Sure, ok," and gets on the horse. "Thank God" says Fred, so the horse immediately starts walking.

After riding a while, Fred says, "Thank God, thank God," and the horse starts trotting. Feeling really brave, Fred says, "Thank God, thank God, thank God, thank God, thank God" and the horse takes off at a full gallop.

A few minutes later Fred sees this cliff coming up. In a panic, Fred yells: "Whoa, stop, hold on!!!!"

But the horse keeps right on galloping blindly toward the cliff.

Finally Fred remembers and screams, "Amen!! AMEN!!"

The horse skids to a stop, just 4 inches from the edge of cliff.

Weak with relief, Fred leans back in the saddle and says, "Thank God."
Each simile listed below was actually used by high school students in
their various essays and short stories...

He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy
who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those
boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at
high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one
of those boxes with a pinhole in it.

She caught your eye like one of those pointy hook latches that used to
dangle from screen doors and would fly up whenever you banged the door open again.

The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling
ball wouldn't.

McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag filled with vegetable soup.

Her hair glistened in the rain like nose hair after a sneeze.

Her eyes were like two brown circles with big black dots in the center.

Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.

He was as tall as a six-foot, three-inch tree.

The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry
them in hot grease.

Her date was pleasant enough, but she knew that if her life was a movie,
this guy would be buried in the credits as something like "second tall

Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers race across the
grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left
Cleveland at 6:36 P.M. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 P.M. at a speed of 35 mph.

The politician was gone but unnoticed, like the period after the Dr. on a
Dr. Pepper can.

They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that
resembled Nancy Kerrigan's teeth.

John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.

The thunder was ominous-sounding, much like the sound of a thin sheet of metal being shaken backstage during the storm scene in a play.

The red brick wall was the color of a brick-red Crayola crayon.

His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.
A man spoke frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!"

"Is this her first child?" the doctor asked.

"No!" the man shouted. "This is her husband!"
One day a first grade teacher was reading the story of Chicken Little to her class.

She came to the part of the story where Chicken Little tried to warn the farmer. She read, ".....and so Chicken Little went up to the farmer and said, "The sky is falling! The sky is falling!"

The teacher paused, then asked the class," And what do you think that farmer said?"

One little girl raised her hand and replied, "I think he said, 'Holy Moley! A talking chicken!' "

The teacher was unable to teach for the next several minutes.


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