BibleBell's Clean Humor
September 2002


An English professor wrote the words, "Woman without her man is nothing" on the blackboard and directed his students to punctuate it correctly.

The men wrote: "Woman, without her man, is nothing."

The women wrote: "Woman! Without her, man is nothing."
Preacher Johnson, who shall we say was "humor impaired," attended a conference to help encourage and better equip pastors for their ministry.

Among the speakers were many well known and dynamic speakers. One such boldly approached the pulpit and, gathering the entire crowd's attention, said, "The best years of my life were spent in the arms of a woman that wasn't my wife!" The crowd was shocked! He followed up by saying, "And that woman was my mother!" The crowd burst into laughter. The speaker then delivered the rest of his talk, which went over quite well.

The next week, Preacher Johnson decided he'd give this humor thing a try, and use that joke in his sermon. As he approached the pulpit that sunny Sunday, he tried to rehearse the joke in his head. It suddenly seemed a bit foggy to him.

Getting to the microphone Preacher Johnson said loudly, "The greatest years of my life were spent in the arms of another woman that was not my wife!"

The congregation inhaled half the air in the room. The preacher stood there for almost 10 seconds in the stunned silence, trying to recall the second half of the joke. Finally he blurted out, "...and I can't remember who she was!"
Sometimes women are overly suspicious of their husbands. When Adam stayed out very late for a few nights, Eve became upset. "You're running around with other women," she charged.

"You're being unreasonable," Adam responded. "You're the only woman on earth." The quarrel continued until Adam fell asleep, only to be awakened by someone poking him in the chest.

It was Eve. "What do you think you're doing?" Adam demanded.

"Counting your ribs," said Eve.
Matthew 12.9-10 Going on from that place, Jesus went into their synagogue, and a man with a shriveled hand was there. Looking for a reason to accuse Jesus, the Pharisees asked him, "Is it lawful to heal on the Sabbath?"
. . .
Matthew 12.14 But the Pharisees went out and plotted how they might kill Jesus.

{Oh, so it's not ok to heal on the Sabbath, but it IS ok to plot murder...}
Q: What do you get if you cross a Jehovah's Witness and a Unitarian?
A: Someone who goes around knocking on doors for no apparent reason.
They have Dial-a-Prayer for atheists now. You can call up and it rings and rings but nobody answers.

Church Bulletins

  • A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.
  • For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

7 Reasons Why The Average Christian Can't Play Baseball

  • Doesn't practice all week, but expects to start on game day.
  • Gets upset when every ball that's hit doesn't come directly to him.
  • Never swings at a pitch because, "This pitcher doesn't throw like the last pitcher. The game's just not the same since he left."
  • Wants to run home before going to first base.
  • Chatters in order to keep his own teammates from hitting the ball.
  • Doesn't come to the game unless the coach personally calls him on the phone, each week, and invites him to show up.
  • Worries the game will last so long, that the concession stand will be closed before it's over.
Blessed are those who are too tired, too busy, too distracted to spend an hour once a week with their fellow Christians in Church ~ they are my best workers.

Blessed are those who wait to be asked and expect to be thanked ~ I can use them in my business.

Blessed are those who are touchy. Soon they will stop going to church ~ verily, they shall be my missionaries.

Blessed are those who sow gossip and trouble ~ they are my beloved children.

Blessed are those who have no time to
pray ~ for they MY prey.

Blessed are those who gossip ~ for they are my secret agents.

Blessed are you when you read this and think it has everything to do with other people, and nothing to do with you. ~ I've got room for YOU at my inn.
Q: How many Calvinists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. God has predestined when the lights will be on.

Q: How many liberals does it take to change a light bulb?
A: 10, as they need to hold a debate into whether or not the light bulb exists. Even if they can agree upon the existence of the light bulb they may not go ahead and change it for fear of alienating those who use fluorescent tubes.
Marks of the Beast
666 F - Oven temperature for roast Beast
666i - BMW of the Beast
God called down to Moses and said, "I've got good news and bad news. The good news is that I've chosen you to deliver my people from bondage. There will be plagues of locusts and frogs and incredible devastation upon the land. Pharaoh's armies will chase you as you try to leave, but do not fear because I will part the waters of the Red Sea to aid you."

"And the bad news?" Moses inquired.

"You have to prepare the Environmental Impact Statement," God replied.
On Monday Fred, an old country farmer, bought a mule from Luke, another old farmer, for $100. Luke promised to deliver the mule the next day.

On Tuesday Luke drove up and said, "Sorry, Fred, but I have some bad news. The mule died."

Fred: Well, then, just give me my money back.

Luke: Can't do that. I went and spent it already.

Fred: Well, OK then. Just unload the mule.

Luke: What ya gonna do with a dead mule?

Fred: I'm going to raffle him off.

Luke: You can't raffle off a dead mule!

Fred: Sure I can. I just won't tell anybody he's dead.

Several days later the two farmers meet up.

Luke: Whatever happened with that dead mule?

Fred: I raffled him off just like I said I would. Sold 500 tickets at $2 each!

Luke: Didn't anyone complain?

Fred: Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two dollars back.
Jimmy John Tortsman, a New York City lawyer, went duck hunting in rural Vermont. Jimmy John shot and dropped a Mallard, but it fell into farmer Fred's field on the other side of a fence.

As Jimmy John climbed over the fence, farmer Fred drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing.

Jimmy John: I shot a duck and it fell in this field, so now I'm going to retrieve it.

Fred: Sorry but this is my property, and you are not coming over here.

Jimmy John: I am one of the best trial attorneys in the U.S. If you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own.

Fred: Apparently, you don't know how we do things here in this state. We settle small disagreements like this with the Vermont Two-Kick Rule.

Jimmy John: What is the Vermont Two-Kick Rule?

Fred: Well, first I kick you two times and then you kick me two times, and so on, back and forth, until one of us gives up.

Jimmy John quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the farmer, who was a very old and skinny fellow.

Jimmy John: Okay, you old coot. I'll play your silly Two-Kick Rule with you.

Fred climbed down from the tractor and walked over to where Jimmy John was standing. His first kick landed in Jimmy John's stomach and dropped him to his knees. His second kick nearly wiped Jimmy John's nose off his face.

Summoning every bit of his will, Jimmy John managed to stagger to his feet and said, "Okay, you old coot now it's my turn."

Fred: Naw, I give up. You can have the duck.
Customer: My computer crashed!
Tech Support: It crashed?
Customer: Yeah, it won't let me play my game.
Tech Support: All right, hit Control-Alt-Delete to reboot.
Customer: "No, it didn't crash --
it crashed.
Tech Support: Huh?
Customer: I crashed my game. That's what I said before. I crashed my spaceship and now it doesn't work.
Tech Support: Click on "File," then click "New Game."
Customer: [pause] Wow! How'd you learn how to do that?
If a man says something in the forest, and there is no woman around to hear him, is he still wrong?
What should a good sermon be about? About Jesus...and about 10 minutes.
Farmers Fred and Luke were fishing on the side of the road. They made a sign saying "The End is Near! Turn yourself around now before it's too late!," and showed it to each passing car.

One driver that passed didn't appreciate the sign and shouted, "Leave us alone you religious nuts!"

All of a sudden they heard a big splash.

Fred grinned at Luke. "Do you think we should just put up a sign that says: 'Bridge Out' instead?"
Fred called a church and asked to speak to the Head Hog of the Trough.

Secretary: How rude! I'll have you know we would NEVER EVER refer to our pastor as a hog.

Fred: Okay, then just take a message. Tell him I've come into a bit of money so I was calling to give your church $10,000.

Secretary: Well hold the phone, dearie! I think I see that big fat pig coming down the hall right now.
So far today, God, I've done all right. I haven't gossiped, I haven't lost my temper. Haven't been grumpy, nasty or selfish. I'm really glad of that. But in a few minutes, God, I'm going to get out of bed. From then on, I'm probably going to need a lot of help.
The following caption was found written on a gravestone...
"As I am now, you soon shall be, so be content to follow me."

Someone had scrawled the following note on that gravestone...
"To follow you I'm not content, until I know which way you went!"
Little Kiana, under the tutelage of her grandfather, was becoming quite knowledgeable about the Bible.

Then one day Kiana floored her grandfather by asking, "Which virgin was the mother of Jesus? The virgin Mary or the King James Virgin?"
A 10-year old boy named Freddie wanted to be Joseph in the Sunday School pageant. Instead the teacher cast Freddie as the landlord. Freddie objected loudly, but to no avail.

When the pageant was presented, Mary and Joseph knocked on the door and asked Freddie if he had a room for them at the Inn.

Freddie smiled and said, "Sure -- lots of room. Come on in!"
Our pastor, an avid golfer, was once taking part in a local tournament.

As he was preparing to tee off, the organizer of the tournament approached him and pointed to the dark, threatening storm clouds which were gathering.

"Preacher," the organizer said, "I trust you'll see to it that the weather won't turn bad on us."

Our pastor shook his head. "Sorry," he replied. "I'm sales, not management!"

For those who need excuses for not going to church, here are 7 reasons why I never wash. I'm sure you can adapt them to fit your needs.

  • 1) I was forced to wash as a child.
  • 2) People who wash are hypocrites - they think they're cleaner than us regular folks.
  • 3) There are so many kinds of soap. I can never decide which one is right.
  • 4) I used to wash, but it got boring.
  • 5) I only wash on Christmas and Easter.
  • 6) None of my friends wash.
  • 7) People who make soap are only after your money.

Sarah said, "God has made me laugh, and all who hear will laugh with me."
Gen 21.6


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