Bible Bell's Clean Yuma
May 2000

Samuel was fresh out of gift ideas so he bought his mother-in-law a large plot in an expensive cemetery. On her next birthday, Samuel bought her nothing.

The mother-in-law was quick to comment loud and long on Samuel's thoughtlessness.

Samuel calmly responded to her complaints by saying, "Well, you haven't used the gift I gave you last year."
A young Pastor was contacted by the local funeral director to hold a graveside committal service at a small local cemetery for someone with no family or friends.

The Pastor started early but quickly got himself lost, making several wrong turns. He arrived a half-hour late. The hearse was nowhere in sight, and the workmen were eating lunch.

The Pastor went to an open grave and found the vault lid already in place. Taking out his book, he read the service.

As the Pastor returned to his car, he overheard one of the workmen say: "You think maybe we should tell him it's a septic tank?"
A Pastor was opening his mail one morning.

Drawing a single sheet of paper from an envelope, he found written on it only one word: "FOOL."

The next Sunday the Pastor announced, "I have known many people who have written letters and forgot to sign their names. But this week I received a letter from someone who signed his name and forgot to write a letter."
At a Sunday School's Kindergarten class they were teaching how God created everything, including human beings.

Little Johnny seemed especially interested when the teacher described how Eve was created out of one of Adam's ribs.

Later in the week Johnny's mother noticed him lying down as though he were ill, and said, "Johnny what is the matter?"

Little Johnny responded, "I have a pain in my side. I think I'm going have a wife."
Mark, a newly ordained Pastor, was having a serious discussion with his young wife, Eloise.

Mark and Eloise were talking about being more considerate of each other.

Eloise promised that she would stop being so critical of Mark's sleep-inducing sermons.

In return, Mark promised to honor Eloise's privacy and stop looking through her private dresser drawer.

In following years, Pastor Mark was true to his word. Never once did he look through Eloise's dresser drawer.

And Eloise was never openly critical of Mark's sermons.

After 50 years of happy marriage, Mark and Eloise's children gave a great party to celebrate the golden anniversary of the Pastor and his wife. Many people came to congratulate the happy couple, and brought lovely gifts.

That evening, when all the guests had departed, Mark told Eloise, "It was a lovely party, but one thing was missing. I had hoped that, by this time, we would have been able to finally pay off the mortgage on this house."

Eloise smiled. "Oh, but we can," she said, then opened her dresser drawer that had remained hidden from Mark's eyes for so many years.

Mark's eyes went wide. In the drawer he saw 3 eggs and a pile of money. Mouth agape, Mark counted the bills and found there was just over $10,000.

"Three eggs and all this money!" Mark exclaimed. "Where on earth did this come from?"

Eloise said, "Do you remember when we spoke of being more considerate with each other all those years ago?"


"Well," Eloise continued, "I promised to stop criticizing your boring sermons. So every time you preached a sermon that was a real snoozer, I put an egg into that drawer."

Mark beamed. "That's not so bad. Fifty years of sermons and only 3 eggs! But what about all that money?"

Eloise quietly responded, "Every time I got a dozen eggs, I sold them."

Favorite hymns...

  • The Dentist's Hymn -- Crown Him With Many Crowns
  • The Weatherman's Hymn -- There Shall Be Showers of Blessings
  • The Contractor's Hymn -- The Church's One Foundation
  • The Tailor's Hymn -- Holy, Holy, Holy
  • The Politician's Hymn -- Standing On The Promises
  • The Optometrist's Hymn -- Open My Eyes That I May See
  • The IRS Agent's Hymn -- I Surrender All
  • The Electrician's Hymn -- Send Out Thy Light
  • The Shopper's Hymn -- Sweet By And By

'Twas the Night Before Jesus

'Twas the night before Jesus and all through the house
Not a creature was praying, not one in the house.

Our Bibles were laid on the shelf without care,
In hopes that Lord Jesus would never come there.

The children were dressing to crawl into bed,
Not once ever kneeling or bowing a head.

My wife in her rocker with the cat on her lap,
Was watching the Late Show while I took a nap.

When out of the East there arose such a clatter,
I sprang to my feet to see what was the matter.

Away to the window I flew like a flash,
Tore open the shutters and threw up the sash!

When what to my wondering eyes should appear
But angels proclaiming that Jesus was here.

With a light like the sun sending forth a bright ray,
I knew in a moment this must be The Day!

The light of His face made me cover my head
It was Jesus returning, just like He had said!

And though I possessed worldly wisdom and wealth,
I cried when I saw Him in spite of myself.

In the Book of Life which He held in His Hand
Was written the name of every saved man.

He spoke not a word as He searched for my name;
When He said "It's not here," my head hung in shame!

The people whose names had been written with love,
He gathered to take to His Father above.

And those who were His with great joy did abound,
While all of the rest were left standing around.

I fell to my knees, but it was too late;
I had waited too long and this sealed my fate.

I stood and I wept as they rose out of sight;
Oh, if only I had been ready tonight!

In the words of this poem the meaning is clear;
The coming of Jesus is drawing quite near.

There's only one life and when comes the last call
You'll find that the Bible was true after ALL!

First Thessalonians 4.13-18...

  • But I do not want you to be ignorant, brethren, concerning those who have fallen asleep, lest you sorrow as others who have no hope.
  • For if we believe that Jesus died and rose again, even so God will bring with Him those who sleep in Jesus.
  • For this we say to you by the word of the Lord, that we who are alive and remain until the coming of the Lord will by no means precede those who are asleep.
  • For the Lord Himself will descend from heaven with a shout, with the voice of an archangel, and with the trumpet of God. And the dead in Christ will rise first.
  • Then we who are alive and remain shall be caught up together with them in the clouds to meet the Lord in the air.
  • And thus we shall always be with the Lord. Therefore comfort one another with these words.


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