Bible Bell's Clean Yuma
June 2000

Albert Einstein dies and goes to heaven only to be informed that his room is not yet ready.

"I hope you won't mind staying for while in a dormitory," says St. Peter. "We are very sorry, but for now you will have to share the room with three others."

Einstein says that this is no problem at all, so Peter leads him to the dorm.

They enter and Albert is introduced to all of the inhabitants.

"Here is your first roommate. He has an IQ of 180!"

"Why that's wonderful!" says Albert. "We can discuss literature!"

"And here is your second roommate. His IQ is 150!"

"Why that's wonderful!" says Albert. "We can discuss mathematics!"

Just then the third roommate shakes Albert's hand and sadly says, "I'm your last roommate and I'm sorry, but my IQ is only 80."

Albert smiles back at him and says, "So, where do you think interest rates are headed?"

Once there was a Christian who wore a pious look.
His consecration was complete except his pocketbook.
He'd go to Church and give his dollar and meekly close his eyes,
So proud his weekly rent was paid for his mansion in the skies.

When Adam stayed out very late for a few nights, Eve became upset.
"You're running around with other women," she charged.

"You're being unreasonable," Adam responded. "You're the only woman on earth."

The quarrel continued until Adam fell asleep, only to be awakened by someone poking him in the chest. It was Eve.

"What do you think you're doing?" Adam demanded.

"Counting your ribs," said Eve.

More Church Bulletin Bloopers

  • The Pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday morning.
  • Barbara remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for more transfusions. She is also having trouble sleeping and requests tapes of Pastor Jack's sermons.
  • Applications are now being accepted for 2 year-old nursery workers.
  • The Pastor will light his candle from the altar candles. The ushers will light their candle from the Pastor's candle. The ushers will then turn and light each worshipper in the first pew.
  • Please welcome Pastor Don, a caring individual who loves hurting people.
An atheist complained to a Christian friend, "You Christians have your special holidays, such as Christmas and Easter. Jews celebrate their national holidays, such as Passover and Yom Kippur. But we atheists have no recognized national holidays. It's unfair discrimination."

His friend replied, "Why don't you celebrate April first?"


Son: "Dad, did you go to Church when you were a little boy ?"
Dad: "Yes son, every single Sunday."
Son: "Thought so. Bet it won't do me any good either."


  • Religion is for those who fear hell. Spirituality is for those who have been there.
  • Definition of Atheism: a non-prophet organization.
  • Photons have mass!!?? I didn't even know they were Catholic...
Scot was watching his father, a Pastor, write a sermon.

"How do you know what to say?" Scot asked.

"Why, God tells me," the Pastor replied.

"Well then, why do you keep crossing things out?"

What folks might say when seeing certain cars with Christian bumper stickers...

  • "Don't worry, Billy, those people are Christians. I'm sure they have a good reason for driving 90 miles an hour."
  • "Oh, look! That Christian woman is getting a chance to share Jesus with a police officer."
  • "No, that's not garbage coming out of their windows, Betty. It's probably gospel tracts for the road workers."
After telling the story of Jonah and the whale to her Sunday school class, the teacher decided to quiz them. She asked, "Timmy, what is the moral of the story?"

Timmy thought for a minute, then said, "People make whales puke?"

Yes, we know the Bible doesn't say it was a whale.
The new Pastor of a rural church dropped into a Sunday-school class and began quizzing the students.

"Who knocked down the walls of Jericho?" he asked little Timmy.

"It sure weren't me, Reverend!" Timmy replied.

Turning to the embarrassed teacher, the Pastor exclaimed, "I suppose that's a sample of the kind of class you maintain!"

"Now, Reverend," the teacher responded, "Timmy's a good boy and doesn't tell lies. If he said he didn't to it, I believe him."

Thoroughly upset, the pastor reported the matter to the church's Board of Deacons.

After due consideration, the Deacon Board sent the following message to the minister: "We see no point in making an issue of this incident. The Church should pay for the damages to Jericho's wall and charge it off to vandalism."
Four-year-old Veronica was asked to give thanks before Christmas dinner. The family members bowed their heads in expectation.

Veronica began her prayer by thanking God for all her friends, naming them one by one. Then she thanked God for Mommy, Daddy, brother, sister, Grandma, Grandpa, and all her aunts and uncles.

Then she began to thank God for the food. She gave thanks for the turkey, the dressing, the fruit salad, the cranberry sauce, the pies, the cakes, even the Cool Whip.

Suddenly Veronica fell silent. Everyone waited and waited.

After a long silence, the young lass looked up at her mother and asked, "If I thank God for the broccoli, won't He know that I'm lying?"
A proud mother named Ella brought her newborn baby to a church social one afternoon.

The ladies were all making a fuss over Ella's baby.

Like any good mother, Ella was closely watching her newborn when she saw a little girl approach. The little girl started having a very one way conversation with the infant.

When the little girl began asking the newborn questions, Ella smiled at her and said, "The baby can't talk yet."

The little girl, in all innocence, looked up at Ella and asked, "Does it need new batteries?"


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