Bible Bell's 15 KB of Clean Humor
February 2001

Cowboy Joe was telling his fellow cowboys back on the ranch about his first visit to a big-city church.

"When I got there, they had me park my old truck in the corral," Joe began.

"You mean the parking lot," interrupted Charlie, a more worldly fellow.

"I walked up the trail to the door," Joe continued.

"The sidewalk to the door," Charlie corrected him.

"Inside the door, I was met by this dude," Joe went on.

"That would be the usher," Charlie explained.

"Well, the usher led me down the chute," Joe said.

"You mean the aisle," Charlie said.

"Then, he led me to a stall and told me to sit there," Joe continued.

"Pew," Charlie retorted.

"Yeah," recalled Joe. "That's what that pretty lady said when I sat down beside her."
A father was reading Bible stories to his young son. He read, "The man named Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city, but his wife looked back and was turned to salt."
"What happened to the flea?" his son asked.
There was a new preacher who wanted to rent a house in the country. The only house available was rumored to be haunted. Since the preacher didn't believe in such things, he rented it.

It wasn't long before the ghost made its appearance. The preacher told his friends about the ghost, but they didn't believe him. They told him the only way they would believe was if he would take a picture of the ghost.

The preacher went home and called for the ghost. When it appeared, the preacher explained the situation and asked the ghost if it would mind having its picture taken. The ghost agreed.

When the picture was developed, the ghost wasn't visible. Feeling very disappointed, the preacher called again for the ghost. When it appeared, the preacher showed it the picture and wanted to know why the ghost wasn't in it.

The ghost thought a minute and replied, "Well, I guess the spirit was willing, but the flash was weak."
A child came home from Sunday School and told his mother that he had learned a new song about a cross-eyed bear named Gladly.

It took his mother a while before she realized that the hymn was really "Gladly The Cross I'd Bear."
  • Many folks want to serve God, but only as advisers.
  • It is easier to preach ten sermons than it is to live one.
  • When you get to your wit's end, you'll find God lives there..
  • People are funny. They want the front of the bus, middle of the road, and the back of the church.
  • Opportunity may knock once, but temptation bangs on your door for years.
  • If the church wants a better pastor, it only needs to pray for the one it has.
  • I don't know why some people change churches - what difference does it make which one they stay home from?
  • A lot of church members who are singing "Standing on the Promises" are just sitting on the premises.
A Sunday School Teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds.

After explaining the Commandment to "Honor thy Father and thy Mother", she asked, "Is there a Commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?"

Without missing a beat, one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, "Thou shall not kill."
  • Photons have mass!? I didn't even know they were Catholic...
  • Adam to Eve: "I'll wear the plants in this family!"
  • Heck is a place for people who don't believe in Gosh.
  • Televangelists: The Pro Wrestlers of religion.
  • On the sixth day, God created the platypus. And God said: "Let's see the evolutionists try and figure this one out."
Our old friend Gladys Dunn attended church services one particular Sunday. The sermon seemed to go on forever, and many in the congregation fell asleep.

After the service, Gladys walked up to a very sleepy looking gentleman. In an attempt to be sociable, Gladys extended her hand in greeting, and said, "Hello, I'm Gladys Dunn."

To which the gentleman replied, "You're not the only one!"
One day, Eve was walking in the garden with the Lord. She said, "Lord, the garden is wonderful, and the animals and birds provide such joy, but I am still lonely sometimes."

"No problem!" the Lord replied. "I will make you a man for a companion. He will desire to please you and to be with you. But I have to warn you, he won't be perfect. He'll have a difficult time understanding your feelings, will tend to think only of himself, and will stay out late with his bowling buddies."

"What's bowling?" Eve asked.

"Oh... never mind. I was just getting ahead of myself, sorry."

"That's OK. I think I can handle this 'man'," Eve replied.

"Great, I'll get right to it!" God said, and started grabbing some mud and shaping it.

Suddenly, the Lord stopped and said to Eve, "Oh, there's one other thing about this man I'm making for you."

"What's that?" asked Eve.

"You'll have to tell him he was here first."
And Jesus said unto the Seminary's Advanced Theology Class, "And whom do you say that I am?"
They replied, "You are the eschatological manifestation of the ground of our being, the ontological foundation of the context of our very selfhood revealed."
And Jesus replied, "What?"
What with sermon preparations and anxiety, the new preacher had gotten very little sleep the week before he was to address his flock for the first time.

By Sunday morning, he was both exhausted and extremely nervous. Nevertheless, he managed to make it up the few steps onto the platform and into the pulpit.

The preacher had barely begun his sermon when everything he had planned to say flew right out of his mind. In fact, his mind went totally blank. Then he remembered that in seminary they had taught him what to do if a situation like this ever arose: "Repeat your last point, and let it remind you of what's coming next."

Figuring this advice couldn't hurt, he recalled the very last thing he'd said, and repeated it: "Behold," he quoted, "I come quickly."

Still his mind was blank. He thought he'd better try it again, "Behold, I come quickly." Still nothing.

He tried it one more time. "Behold, I come quickly!" he all but shouted.

In his panic, the preacher pounded the pulpit with such force that he lost his balance, fell forward, knocked the pulpit to one side, tripped over a flower arrangement, and fell into the lap of a little old lady in the front row.

Flustered and embarrassed, the preacher picked himself up, apologized profusely, and started to explain what had just happened.

"That's all right, young man," said the little old lady kindly. "It was my fault, really. You told me three times you were on your way down here. I should have just gotten out of your way!"
The new minister arrived in a small midwestern town to assume the duties of the church pastor. Wanting to mail a letter, he asked a young boy where the post office was.

When the boy told him, the minister thanked him and said, "If you'll come to the Baptist church this evening, you can hear me telling everyone how to get to Heaven."

"I don't think I'll be there," the boy said. "You don't even know your way to the post office."
Fred had been a faithful Christian and was in the hospital, near death. The family called their preacher to stand with them.

As the preacher stood next to the bed, Fred's condition appeared to deteriorate and he motioned frantically for something to write on. The pastor lovingly handed him a pen and a piece of paper and Fred used his last bit of energy to scribble a note, then he died.

The preacher thought it best not to look at the note at that time, so he placed it in his jacket pocket. At the funeral, as he was finishing the message, he realized that he was wearing the same jacket that he was wearing when Fred died.

The preacher said, "You know, Fred handed me a note just before he died. I haven't looked at it, but knowing Fred, I'm sure there's a word of inspiration there for us all."

He opened the note and, without stopping to think, solemnly read, "Hey, you're standing on my oxygen tube!"
Mr. & Mrs. Morris, a devout Jewish family, moved to a small town. The best school in that town, they soon discovered, was run by a Baptist church.

Their son, Bernie, was well-taught in his Jewish faith, so his parents reluctantly decided to send him to the Christian school.

Bernie's history teacher, filled with evangelistic fervor, decided to use her position to influence Bernie. So she told the class, "Let's have a little contest. I'll buy lunch in the cafeteria today for the student who gives the best answer to a question I'm about to ask."

"What's the question? What's the question?" the students asked excitedly.

"It's just this," the teacher said, smiling. "Who was the greatest man who ever lived?"

A girl's hand immediately popped up. "I think it was George Washington, because he's the father of our country."

The teacher said, "That's a good answer, but can't someone think of an even greater man than Washington?"

Another young student pumped his arm up and down. "It's gotta be Abraham Lincoln, because he's the one who freed all the slaves."

"Yes, that's also a good answer," the teacher responded, "but can't any of you think of someone even greater?"

Bernie hoisted his hand and announced, "I think Jesus of Nazareth was the greatest man that ever lived."

The teacher beamed with joy. "Yes!" she exclaimed, "that's the best answer of all, Bernie. You win the contest!"

Later, as Bernie was enjoying his free lunch, another Jewish boy sat down next to him.

"Why did you say Jesus is the greatest?" the boy asked.

Bernie kept on chewing as he replied, "I know it's Moses, and YOU know it's Moses, but business is business."
After church one Sunday morning, little Melissa's mother commented, "The choir was awful this morning."

"Yeah, and the sermon was too long," Melissa's father added glumly

Melissa grinned. "Well, dad, you've got to admit it was a pretty good show, seeing as how you only put a dime in the plate."


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