Bible Bell's Clean Humor - August 2001

Automobiles of the Bible

Some folks like to use the Bible as a basis for making decisions. If you are one of those folks, here are some Bible guidelines for consideration the next time you are shopping for a car...

  • It seems that our original ancestors tooled around in an old Plymouth because the Bible says that God drove Adam and Eve out of the Garden of Eden in a Fury.
  • Psalm 83 indicates that the Almighty owned at least two cars -- a Pontiac and a Geo. The passage urges the Lord to "pursue your enemies with your Tempest and terrify them with your Storm."
  • Perhaps Moses favored Dodge pickup trucks, because his followers are instructed not to go up a mountain "until the Ram's horn sounds a long blast."
  • No doubt Moses used his truck for work, but when he went cruising, he did so in a flashy sportscar, as evidenced by a Bible passage declaring that "the roar of Moses' Triumph is heard in the hills."
  • Moses' protégé, Joshua, also drove a Triumph -- but Joshua's Triumph had a hole in its muffler because the Bible says, "Joshua's Triumph was heard throughout the land."
  • Some scholars insist that Jesus drove a Honda but didn't like to talk about it. As proof, they cite a verse in St. John's gospel where Christ tells the crowd, "For I did not speak of my own Accord..."
  • Following the Master's lead, the Apostles car-pooled in a Honda, for the Bible says, "The Apostles were in one Accord."

Bumper Stickers

After you buy your "Bible-based car," you will surely want to get it a bumper sticker. Here are some doozies..

If That Phone Was Stuffed Down Your Throat
Maybe You Could Drive A Little Better

If You Can Read This,
I've Lost My Trailer.

So Many Pedestrians - So Little Time

He Who Hesitates Is Not Only Lost
But Miles From The Next Exit

Where Are We Going And
Why Am I In This Handbasket?

Ax Me About Ebonics

Body By Nautilus;
Brain By Mattel

Cat: The Other White Meat

After the church service, a little boy told the pastor, "When I get a job, I'm going to give you some money."

"Well, thank you," the pastor replied, "but why?"

"Because my daddy says you're one of the poorest preachers we've ever had."
A three-year-old went with his dad to see a litter of kittens. On returning home, he breathlessly informed his mother there were two boy kittens and two girl kittens.

"How do you know?" his mother asked.

"Well, Daddy picked them up and looked underneath," the lad replied. "I guess it's printed on the bottom."
A father was reading Bible stories to his young son. He read, "The man named Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city, but his wife looked back and was turned to salt."

His son asked, "What happened to the flea?"

The following words of wisdom were all spoken by children under 10...

  • You can listen to thunder after lightening to tell how close you came to getting hit. If you don't hear it, never mind.
  • Rainbows are just to look at, not to really understand.
  • South America has cold summers and hot winters, but somehow they still manage.
  • Many dead animals in the past changed to fossils while others preferred to be oil.
  • Genetics explains why you look like your father ...and if you don't, why you should.
  • Vacuums are nothing. I only mention them to let them know we know they are there.
  • People say the cause of perfume disappearing is evaporation. People blame evaporation for lots of things they forget to put the top on.
Definition of "Sudafed" -- a command to bring litigation against the federal government
If H2O is on the inside of a fire hydrant, what is on the outside? (K9P)

Things You Would Never Know Without the Movie Industry

  • Large, loft-style apartments in New York City are easily affordable by just about anybody, whether they are employed or not.
  • At least one of a pair of identical twins is born evil.
  • Should you decide to defuse a bomb, don't worry which wire to cut. You will always choose the right one.
  • Laptop computers are powerful enough to override the communications system of any invading alien society.
  • It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a martial arts fight. Your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors.
  • When you turn out the lights to go to bed, everything in your bedroom will still be clearly visible, just slightly bluish.
  • If you are blonde and pretty, it is possible to become a world expert on nuclear fission at the age of 22.
  • Rather than wasting bullets, megalomaniacs prefer to kill their arch-enemies using complicated machinery involving fuses, pulley systems, deadly gasses, lasers, and man-eating sharks, which will allow their captives at least 20 minutes to escape.
  • During all police investigations, it will be necessary to visit a strip club at least once.
  • All beds have special L-shaped cover sheets that reach up to the armpit level on a woman but only to waist level on the man lying beside her.
  • You're very likely to survive any battle in any war UNLESS you make the mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home.
  • A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.
  • If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange noises in their most revealing underwear.
  • All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they're going to go off.
  • A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.
  • When they are alone, all foreign military officers prefer to speak to each other in English.

Creation: Snoopy's Version

  • On the first day of creation, God created the dog.
  • On the second day, God created man to serve the dog.
  • On the third day, God created all the animals of the earth (especially the horse) to serve as food for the dog.
  • On the fourth day, God created honest toil so that man could labor for the good of the dog.
  • On the fifth day, God created the tennis ball so that the dog might or might not retrieve it.
  • On the sixth day, God created veterinary science to keep the dog healthy and the man broke.
  • On the seventh day, God tried to rest, but He had to walk the dog.
A young teacher explains to her class of children that she is an atheist. She asks her class if they are atheists too.

Not really knowing what atheism is but wanting to be like their teacher, the children's hands explode into the air like fleshy fireworks.

There is, however, one exception. A girl named Sara has not gone along with the crowd.

The teacher asks Sara why she has decided to be different.

"Because I'm not an atheist," little Sara replies.

"Then what are you?" asks the teacher.

"I'm Jewish."

"And why are you Jewish?"

Sara smiles and says, "Well, I was brought up knowing and loving God. My Mom is Jewish, and my Dad is Jewish, so I am Jewish."

"That's no reason," the teacher says loudly. "What if your mom was a moron, and your dad was a moron. What would you be then?"

"Then," says Sara, "I'd be an atheist."






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