Bible Bell's Clean Humor & Peaceful Thoughts
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January 2002 Part 2

A preacher went to his church office on Monday morning and discovered a dead mule in the church yard. He called the police. Since there did not appear to be any foul play, the police referred the preacher to the health department.

The health department said since there was no health threat that he should call the sanitation department.

The sanitation manager said he could not pick up the mule without authorization from the mayor.

Now the preacher knew the mayor and was not to eager to call him. The mayor had a bad temper and was generally hard to deal with, but the preacher called him anyway.

The mayor did not disappoint. He immediately began to rant and rave at the pastor and finally said, "Why did you call me anyway? Isn't it your job to bury the dead?"

The preacher paused for a brief prayer and asked the Lord to direct his response. He was led to say, "Yes, Mayor, it is my job to bury the dead, but I always like to
notify the next of kin first!"
It's tough being a teenager. Half the adults are telling you to find yourself and the other half are telling you to get lost.
Coming out of church, Mrs. Peterson asked her husband, "Do you think that Johnson girl is tinting her hair?"

"I didn't even see her," admitted Mr. Peterson.

"And that dress Mrs. Hansen was wearing," continued Mrs. Peterson. "Really, don't tell me you think that's the proper costume for a mother of two."

"I'm afraid I didn't notice that either," said Mr. Peterson.

"Oh, for heaven's sake," snapped Mrs. Peterson. "A fine lot of good it does for you to go to church."
Walking up to a department store's fabric counter, a pretty girl said, "I want to buy this material for a new dress. How much does it cost?"

"Only a kiss a yard," replied the smirking male clerk.

"That's fine," replied the girl. "I'll take ten yards."

With anticipation written all over his face, the clerk measured and wrapped the cloth. Then he puckered his lips and said, "That'll be 10 kisses, miss."

The girl picked up the package and pointed to a grizzled old man standing behind her.

"Grandpa will pay the bill," she said with a smile.

Real Advertisements that will Crack You up

  • When Parker Pen marketed a ball-point pen in Mexico, its ads were supposed to have read, "it won't leak in your pocket and embarrass you". Instead, the company thought that the word "embarazar" (to make pregnant) meant to embarrass, so the ad read: "It won't leak in your pocket and make you pregnant".
  • When Gerber started selling baby food in Africa, they used the same packaging as in the US, with the cuddly Caucasian baby on the label. Later they learned that, in Africa, companies routinely put pictures on the label to show what is inside the can, since most people can't read.
  • Coors translated its slogan, "Turn it loose," into Spanish, where it was read as "Suffer from diarrhea".
  • Clairol introduced the "Mist Stick", a curling iron, into Germany only to find out that "mist" is slang for manure. Not too many Germans had a use for the "manure stick".
  • Pepsi's "Come alive with the Pepsi Generation" translated into "Pepsi brings your ancestors back from the grave" in Chinese.
  • Frank Perdue's chicken slogan, "it takes a strong man to make a tender chicken" was translated into Spanish as "it takes an aroused man to make a chicken affectionate."

January 2002 Part 1

Thilly Thigns

Sign in a Laundromat:
AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT

Sign in a department store:
BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS

In an office:
AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD

Outside a photographer's studio:
OUT TO LUNCH: IF NOT BACK BY FIVE, OUT FOR DINNER ALSO

Sign warning of quicksand:
QUICKSAND. ANY PERSON PASSING THIS POINT WILL BE DROWNED. BY ORDER OF THE DISTRICT COUNCIL.

Spotted in a safari park:
ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR

Spotted in a toilet in a London office block:
TOILET OUT OF ORDER. PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW.

The following is reportedly a true story...

A Christian middle school for girls was faced with a unique problem. A number of girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirrors leaving dozens of little lip prints.

Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. She called several of the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the custodian. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every day.

To demonstrate how much work they were making for the custodian, she asked him to clean one of the mirrors while the girls watched.

The custodian took a long-handled brush, dipped it into the nearest toilet, and proceeded to scrub the mirror.

From that day on, the problem of lip prints on the mirrors was completely eliminated.

Isn't it wonderful how cooperative young people can be, once they become Christians?

October 2001

I have learned that...

  • I like my teacher because she cries when we sing certain songs. Age 6
  • Our dog doesn't want to eat my broccoli either. Age 7
  • When I wave to people in the country, they stop what they are doing and wave back. Age 9
  • When I get my room the way I like it, Mom makes me clean it up again. Age 12
  • Silent company is often more healing than words of advice. Age 24
  • Brushing my child's hair is one of life's great pleasures. Age 26
Rabbi Ezra, his wife, and their children, were really curious as to why Gentiles were so fond of eating pork. They decided to try some, but there was nowhere in town they could go and not be seen.

One weekend, the Rabbi and his family traveled to a distant town, went into a restaurant, and ordered roast pork.

While they were waiting to be served, a member of Rabbi Ezra's Synagogue walks in. He sees the Rabbi and his family. The member asks if he could join them for dinner. The Rabbi has no choice but to agree.

A while later, the waiter returns with the Rabbi's meal. He takes the cover off the large platter, and there is a whole roast pig, with an apple in its mouth. The Synagogue member is more than a little shocked.

"What a fancy place," explains the Rabbi quickly. "Just look at how they serve the apple I ordered."

I have learned that...

  • Motel mattresses are better on the side away from the phone. Age 50
  • You can tell a lot about a man by the way he handles these three things: a rainy day, lost luggage, and a poor driver. Age 52
  • Keeping a vegetable garden is worth a medicine cabinet full of pills. Age 53
  • Making a living is not the same thing as making a life. Age 58
  • If you want to do something positive for your children, work to improve your marriage. Age 61
A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds.

After explaining the commandment to "honor thy father and thy mother," the teacher asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches you how to treat your brothers and sisters?"

Without missing a beat, one little boy answered, "Thou shall not kill."

You know you are getting older when...

  • You stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.
  • When everything either dries up or starts to leak.

(If you want to stop longing for the days of your youth, think of Algebra.)

Silly Poems from Your Childhood

The panther is like a leopard,
Except it hasn't been peppered.
Should you behold a panther crouch,
Prepare to say Ouch.
Better yet, if called by a panther,
Don't anther.

Who wants my jellyfish?
I'm not sellyfish.

The Lord in His wisdom made the fly
And then forgot to tell us why.

There was a young lady of Niger
Who smiled as she rode on a tiger;
They returned from the ride
With the lady inside,
And the smile on the face of the tiger.

Algy met a bear,
The bear was bulgy,
The bulge was Algy.

There was a young lady named Bright,
Who traveled much faster than light.
She started one day
In the relative way,
And returned on the previous night.

She frowned and called him Mr.
Because in sport he kr.
And so in spite
That very night
This Mr. kr. sr.

As I was going up the stair
I met a man who wasn't there;
He wasn't there again today.
I wish, I wish he'd go away!

Into the family drinking well
Willie pushed his sister Nell
She's still there, because it kilt her --
Now we have to buy a filter.

"Mother, may I go out to swim?"
"Yes, my darling daughter,
But hang your clothes on a hickory limb,
And don't go near the water."

I eat my peas with honey.
I've done it all my life.
It makes the peas taste funny,
But it keeps them on my knife.


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