Bible Bell's Clean Humor & Peaceful
Thoughts |
February 2002 Part 3 |
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A man goes into a restaurant. The maitre 'd stops him and tells him he must wear a necktie to get in. So the man goes out to his car. The only thing he sees that might be turned into a tie is a set of jumper cables. He ties these around his neck in a knot and goes back to the restaurant. The maitre 'd looks him over for a few minutes and then says reluctantly, "Well, okay, I guess you can come in--JUST DON'T START ANYTHING." |
Whenever I ask people why they have deer heads mounted on their walls, they
almost always say it's because a deer is such a beautiful animal. There you go. I think my mother is attractive, but I have photographs of her. |
It was a stifling hot day and a man fainted in the middle of a busy intersection.
Traffic quickly piled up in all directions while a woman rushed to help him. As the woman knelt down to loosen his collar, a man emerged from the crowd, pushed her aside, and said, "It's all right honey, I've had a course in first aid." The woman stood up and watched as he took the sick man's pulse and prepared to administer CPR. At this point she tapped him on the shoulder and said, "When you get to the part about calling a doctor, I'm already here." |
I just broke up with someone and the last thing he said to me was, "You'll
never find anyone like me again!" I'm thinking, "I should hope not! If I don't want you, why would I want someone like you?" |
February 2002 Part 2 |
If you are an American when you go into the bathroom, and you are an
American when you come out of the bathroom, what are you while you are IN the bathroom? European, of course! |
As a guy was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang. Answering,
he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going
the wrong way on Highway 280. Please be careful!" "Hey!" said Herman, "It's not just one car. There are hundreds of them!" |
Actual Newspaper Headlines (a) Enraged Cow Injures Farmer with Ax |
Odd quotes
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One-liners
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And finally... Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are beautiful. |
February 2002 Part 1 |
Name It & Claim It Here's an old limerick, suitable for those folks who maintain that sickness & pain manifest a weakness of faith... There was a faith healer from Deal, |
A man named Fred had tickets to game 7 of the Stanley Cup Finals, right
at center ice. As Fred sat down, a man came & asked him if anyone was going to occupy the seat next to him. "No," said Fred, "sit right down. The seat will be empty." "That's incredible!" said the man. "Who in their right mind would reserve a seat like this for the Stanley Cup and then not use it?" Fred said, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Stanley Cup we haven't been to together since we got married nearly 50 years ago." "Oh... I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. But couldn't you find someone else - a friend or relative, or even a neighbor - to take her seat?" Fred shook his head sadly. "No. They're all at the funeral." |
At Walmart... "That comes to $39.95," the cashier said, after ringing-up Matilda's purchases. As Matilda fumbled for her wallet, a remote control for a TV set tumbled out of her purse, and fell onto the counter. The cashier chuckled. "Do you always carry your TV remote with you when you go shopping?" she asked. "No," Matilda replied grimly. "But my husband refused to come shopping with me, and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him." |
Actual Newspaper Headlines 1) Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says |
Actual Instructions on Home Products ON A HAIRDRYER ON A BAG OF FRITOS ON A BAR OF DIAL SOAP ON A FROZEN DESSERT ON THE BOX FOR A HOTEL-PROVIDED SHOWER
CAP PRINTED ON THE BOTTOM OF A BOX OF TESCO'S
TIRIMISU DESSERT ON MARKS & SPENCER BREAD PUDDING ON THE BOX FOR A ROWENTA IRON ON A CHILDREN'S COUGH SYRUP ON NYTOL (A SLEEP AID) ON THE BOX FOR A BUTCHER KNIFE ON A STRING OF CHRISTMAS LIGHTS ON THE BOX FOR A FOOD PROCESSOR ON SAINSBURY'S PEANUTS ON AN AMERICAN AIRLINES PACKET OF NUTS ON A SWEDISH CHAINSAW |
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