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February 2002 Part 3

Q -What do Eskimos get from sitting on the ice too long? A- Polaroids Q - What do prisoners use to call each other? A- Cell phones Q -How does a spoiled rich girl change a lightbulb? A - She says. "Daddy I want a new apartment." Q -What do you call a boomerang that doesn't work? A - A stick Q - What do you call cheese that isn't mine? A - Nacho Cheese Q - What is a zebra? A - 26 sizes larger than an "A" bra. Q What has four legs, is big, green, fuzzy and, if it fell out of a tree, would kill you? A - A pool table Q Why are there so many Smiths in the phone book? A - They all have phones. Q Why do gorillas have big nostrils? A Because they have big fingers.

A man goes into a restaurant. The maitre 'd stops him and tells him he must wear a necktie to get in. So the man goes out to his car. The only thing he sees that might be turned into a tie is a set of jumper cables. He ties these around his neck in a knot and goes back to the restaurant. The maitre 'd looks him over for a few minutes and then says reluctantly, "Well, okay, I guess you can come in--JUST DON'T START ANYTHING."

Whenever I ask people why they have deer heads mounted on their walls, they almost always say it's because a deer is such a beautiful animal. There you go. I think my mother is attractive, but I have photographs of her.

It was a stifling hot day and a man fainted in the middle of a busy intersection. Traffic quickly piled up in all directions while a woman rushed to help him. As the woman knelt down to loosen his collar, a man emerged from the crowd, pushed her aside, and said, "It's all right honey, I've had a course in first aid." The woman stood up and watched as he took the sick man's pulse and prepared to administer CPR. At this point she tapped him on the shoulder and said, "When you get to the part about calling a doctor, I'm already here."

I just broke up with someone and the last thing he said to me was, "You'll never find anyone like me again!" I'm thinking, "I should hope not! If I don't want you, why would I want someone like you?"

February 2002 Part 2

If you are an American when you go into the bathroom, and you are an American when you come out of the bathroom, what are you while you are IN the bathroom? European, of course!

As a guy was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on Highway 280. Please be careful!" "Hey!" said Herman, "It's not just one car. There are hundreds of them!"

Actual Newspaper Headlines (a) Enraged Cow Injures Farmer with Ax (b) Miners Refuse to Work after Death (c) Stolen Painting Found by Tree (d) Two Sisters Reunited after 18 Years in Checkout Counter (e) War Dims Hope for Peace (f) If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last a While (g) Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures (h) Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge (i) Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half (j) Air Head Fired (k) Sex Education Delayed, Teachers Request Training (l) Include your Children When Baking Cookies (m) 4-H Girls Win Prizes for Fat Calves

Odd quotes "If your parents never had children, chances are you won't either." Dick Cavett "For fire drills in elementary school, we had to line up quietly in a single file line from smallest in the front, to tallest in the rear. What was the logic? Do tall people burn slower?" Warren Hutcherson "I voted for the Democrats because I didn't like the way the Republicans were running the country. Which is turning out to be like shooting yourself in the head to stop your headache." Jack Mayberry "The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they are okay, then it's you." Rita Mae Brown

One-liners I started out with nothing & still have most of it left. Stress is when you wake up screaming & you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet. Am I ambivalent? Well, yes and no. Grandparent -- a person whose daughter once married someone who was vastly her inferior mentally, but subsequently gave birth to unbelievably brilliant grandchildren.

And finally... Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are beautiful.

February 2002 Part 1

Name It & Claim It Here's an old limerick, suitable for those folks who maintain that sickness & pain manifest a weakness of faith... There was a faith healer from Deal, Who said, "Although pain isn't real, When I sit on a pin And it punctures my skin, I dislike what I fancy I feel."

A man named Fred had tickets to game 7 of the Stanley Cup Finals, right at center ice. As Fred sat down, a man came & asked him if anyone was going to occupy the seat next to him. "No," said Fred, "sit right down. The seat will be empty." "That's incredible!" said the man. "Who in their right mind would reserve a seat like this for the Stanley Cup and then not use it?" Fred said, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Stanley Cup we haven't been to together since we got married nearly 50 years ago." "Oh... I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. But couldn't you find someone else - a friend or relative, or even a neighbor - to take her seat?" Fred shook his head sadly. "No. They're all at the funeral."

At Walmart... "That comes to $39.95," the cashier said, after ringing-up Matilda's purchases. As Matilda fumbled for her wallet, a remote control for a TV set tumbled out of her purse, and fell onto the counter. The cashier chuckled. "Do you always carry your TV remote with you when you go shopping?" she asked. "No," Matilda replied grimly. "But my husband refused to come shopping with me, and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him."

Actual Newspaper Headlines 1) Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says 2) Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers 3) Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted 4) Drunk Gets Nine Months in Violin Case 5) Iraqi Head Seeks Arms 6) Squad Helps Dog Bite Victim 7) Shot Off Woman's Leg Helps Nicklaus to 66

Actual Instructions on Home Products ON A HAIRDRYER Do not use while sleeping ON A BAG OF FRITOS You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside. ON A BAR OF DIAL SOAP Directions: Use like regular soap. ON A FROZEN DESSERT Serving suggestion: Defrost. ON THE BOX FOR A HOTEL-PROVIDED SHOWER CAP Fits one head. PRINTED ON THE BOTTOM OF A BOX OF TESCO'S TIRIMISU DESSERT Do not turn upside down. ON MARKS & SPENCER BREAD PUDDING Product will be hot after heating ON THE BOX FOR A ROWENTA IRON Do not iron clothes on body ON A CHILDREN'S COUGH SYRUP Do not drive car or operate machinery ON NYTOL (A SLEEP AID) Warning: may cause drowsiness ON THE BOX FOR A BUTCHER KNIFE Warning, keep out of children ON A STRING OF CHRISTMAS LIGHTS For indoor or outdoor use only. ON THE BOX FOR A FOOD PROCESSOR Not to be used for the other use ON SAINSBURY'S PEANUTS Warning: contains nuts ON AN AMERICAN AIRLINES PACKET OF NUTS Instructions: open packet, eat nuts. ON A SWEDISH CHAINSAW Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands.

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