Church Chuckles
October 1998

Notices From Church Bulletins

Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles, and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children. 8 new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
Weight Watchers will meet at 7 pm. Please use large double door at the side entrance. Pastor is on vacation. Massages can be given to church secretary...
Please join us as we show our support for Amy and Alan in preparing for the girth of their first child. On a church bulletin during the minister's illness: GOD IS GOOD. Dr. Frucht is better.
The choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoys sinning to join the choir. Today's Sermon: HOW MUCH CAN A MAN DRINK? with hymns from a full choir.
Potluck supper: prayer and medication to follow. Don't let worry kill you off - let the church help.
The concert held in Fellowship Hall was a great success. Special thanks are due to the minister's daughter, who labored the whole evening at the piano, which as usual fell upon her. The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the church basement on Friday at 7 p.m. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community. The music for today's service was all composed by George Friedrich Handel in celebration of the 300th anniversary of his birth.
Stewardship Offertory Hymn: "Jesus Paid It All" Ushers will eat latecomers.
Evening massage - 6 p.m. The Rev. Bland spoke briefly, much to the delight of the audience.
The outreach committee has enlisted 25 visitors to make calls on people who are not afflicted with any church. The Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done.
The Pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday morning. During the absence of our pastor, we enjoyed the rare privilege of hearing a good sermon when A.B. Fellows supplied our pulpit.
The audience is asked to remain seated until the end of the recession. Low Self-Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 to 8:30 pm. Please use the back door.
The pastor will preach his farewell message, after which the choir will sing, "Break Forth Into Joy." Due to the Pastor's illness, Wednesday's healing services will be discontinued until further notice.
The third verse of Blessed Assurance will be sung without musical accomplishment. For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

Out of the Mouths of Kids

  • After church on Sunday, a boy suddenly announced, "Mom, I've decided to be a preacher when I grow up."
  • "That's okay with us," the mother said, "but what made you decide to be a minister?"
  • "Well," the boy replied, "I have to go to church anyway, so I figure it will be more fun to stand up and yell than to sit still and listen."
  • On vacation with her family in Montana, a mother drove her van past a church in a small town and pointing to it, told the children that it was St. Francis' Church.
  • "It must be a franchise," her eight-year-old son said. "We've got one of those in our town too."
A Sunday school teacher challenged her children to take some time on Sunday afternoon to write a letter to God. They were to bring back their letter the following Sunday. One little boy wrote: "Dear God, we had a good time at church today. Wish You could have been there." Bouncing out of her first day in nursery school at Mount Moriah Presbyterian Church in Port Henry, New York, a three-year-old girl gleefully informed her mother: "We had juice and Billy Graham crackers!"
Four-year-old Jimmy attended the vacation Bible school at our church. The theme was "Discipleship and Saving Mother Earth." His mother asked Jimmy what he had learned. He immediately told her all about "Jesus and the 12 recycles." The old pastor made it to a practice to visit the church's parish school one day a week. He walked into the 4th grade class, where the children were studying the states, and asked them how many states they could name. They came up with about 40 names. He jokingly told them that in his day students knew the names of all the states.

One lad raised his hand and said, "Yes sir, but in those days there were only 13."


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