Church Chuckles
December 1998

For the week 11/29-12/5/98

A lady had been teaching her three-year-old daughter the Lord's Prayer.
For several evenings at bedtime the girl repeated it after her. One night
the three-year old said she was ready to solo. The lady listened with pride
as she carefully enunciated each word, right up to the end of the prayer.
"And lead us not into temptation," she prayed, "but deliver us some

If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is,
"God is crying." And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to
tell him is, "Probably because of something you did."

Consider the lilies of the field (Mt 6.28). And while you're doing that, I'll be over here, looking through your stuff.

...and then Adam said to Eve, "Hey! I wear the plants in this family!"

A Woman went to the Post Office to buy stamps for her Christmas cards.

"What Denomination?" asked the clerk.

"Oh, good heavens! Have we come to this?" said the woman. "Well give me 50 Baptist and 50 Catholic ones."

An Amish boy and his father were visiting a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and back together again.

The boy asked his father, "What is this, Father?" The father responded "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is!"

While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed, an old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched small circles of lights with numbers above the walls light up.

They continued to watch the circles light up in the reverse direction. Then the walls opened up again and a beautiful 24 year old woman stepped out.

The father's eyes lit up as he turned to his son and said, "Quick! Go get your Mother."

For the week 12/6 - 12/12/98

I used to be an agnostic, but now I'm not so sure

Thank God I'm an Athiest.
T'was the night before Christmas and all through the house,
Not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse.
The stockings were hung by the chimney with care.
They'd been worn all week long and they needed the air.

Adam asks God, "How come all the animals have both males and females, yet I am alone upon this earth?"
And God replies, "I have saved the best for last. For you I have planned Woman. She will cook for you, clean for you, take care of your every need. Your life will be sheer pleasure."
"Sounds great!", says Adam. "What will it cost me?"
"An arm, a leg, and your left eye"
Adam gets a bit worried. "That sounds like an awfully high price to pay. What can I get for just a rib?..."

The three stages of life:
You believe in Santa Claus.
You don't believe in Santa Claus.
You are Santa Claus.

For the week 12/13 - 12/19/98

Old Simpson, a stubborn opponent of changing anything, was a constant thorn in the side of the Parent-Teachers Association. For one thing, he was loudly against the introduction of foreign languages in the town's junior high school curriculum.
Waving his Bible high in the air, he shouted, "If English was good enough for the prophets and the apostles, it's plenty good enough for me."

A preacher and a rabbi operated a church and a synagogue across the street from each other. Since their schedules intertwined, they decided to go in together to buy a car. So they did. They drove it home and parked it in the street between their establishments.
A few minutes later, the rabbi looked out and saw the preacher sprinkling water on their new car. It didn't need a wash, so he ran out and asked the preacher what he was doing.

"I'm baptizing it" the preacher replied.

The rabbi said, "Oh," then quickly went back into the synagogue. He reappeared a few minutes later with a hack saw, ran to the car, and cut off the last 2 inches of the tailpipe.

A couple of friendly jabs at "New-Agers"

A person who studies Astrology is called an Astrologer. Being an Astrologer is not easy. It takes hard work, great sensitivity, a clear analytical mind, and the ability to keep a straight face.

New-agers use very expensive crystals to make contact with higher intelligences. People who pay that kind of money for rocks obviously need contact with higher intelligences.

For the week 12/19 - 12/25/98

A little boy wanted a $100.00 very badly. He prayed and prayed for two weeks but nothing happened. Finally he decided to write God a letter requesting the $100.00.

When the postal service received the letter to GOD USA, they decided to send it to the President of the USA. The President was so impressed, touched, and amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a $5.00 bill.

The little boy was delighted with the $5.00 and sat down to write a thank you note to God, which read:

Dear GOD, Thank you very much for sending me the money, however, I noticed that for some reason you had to send it through Washington DC and, as usual, those jerks deducted $95.00.

A young man once asked God how long a million years was to him.

God replied, "A million years to me is just like a single second to you."

The young man then asked God what a million dollars was to him.

God replied, "A million dollars to me is just like a single penny to you."

Then the young man got his courage up and asked, "God, could I have one of your pennies?"

God smiled and replied, "Certainly... just wait a second and I'll get it for you."

"Give me a sense of humor, Lord,
Give me the grace to see a joke,
To get some humor out of life
And pass it on to other folk."

For the week 12/26/98 - 1/1/99

Kids' letters to DEAR GOD:

Is it true my father won't get in Heaven if he uses his bowling words
in the house? Anita

Did you really mean do unto others as they do unto you, because if
You did, then I'm sure going to fix my brother. Darla

Thank you for the baby brother, but what I prayed for was a puppy.

More Church Bulletin bloopers

Thursday at 5:00 PM there will be a meeting of the "little mothers" club. All ladies wishing to become little mothers will meet with the pastor in his study.

This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and lay an egg on the alter.

Next Sunday a collection will be taken for the new carpet. All those wishing to do something on the carpet will come forward and do so.

The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind. They can be seen in the church basement Saturday.


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