Week of 1/3 - 1/9/99

Melba was a Christian lady who did a lot of traveling for her business. Flying made her nervous so she always took her Bible along, because reading it relaxed her. One time Melba was sitting next to a man. When he saw Melba reading her Bible he chuckled and said, "You don't really believe all that stuff in there do you?" Melba replied "Of course I do. It is the word of God." "Well what about that guy who was swallowed by that whale? You don't believe that, do you?" the man asked. Melba smiled. "You mean Jonah? Of course I believe it. God doesn't tell fairy tales." The fellow snorted and asked "Well, how do you suppose he survived all that time inside the whale?" Melba said "Well I don't really know. I guess when I get to heaven I will ask Jonah." "What if Jonah isn't in heaven?" the man asked sarcastically. "Then you can ask him." Melba replied quietly. Our Pastor says the best prayer he ever heard was: "Lord, please make me the kind of person my dog thinks I am." Church-o-logical Definitions AMEN - the part of a prayer that everyone understands. BULLETIN - a claim check to show your Mom you went to church. CHOIR - a group of people whose singing allows the rest of the congregation to lip-sync. HYMN - a song of praise sung three octaves higher than an operatic soprano can reach. CLOSING HYMN - the last song in the service, usually sung softly so as not to awaken the children. JESUITS - an order of priests known for their ability to establish colleges with good basketball teams. JUSTICE - when your kids have kids of their own. MANGER - where Mary gave birth because Joseph didn't have MediCare. OFFERATORY PROCESSION - when the ushers come forward to receive the offering, followed by late visitors looking for seats. PEW - seating designed to punish you for your sins.

Week of 1/10 -1/16/99

Q: What's the difference between Ignorance and Apathy? A: I don't know, and I don't care! A pastor went out one Saturday to visit his church members. At one house, it was obvious that someone was home, but nobody came to the door even though the preacher knocked several times. Finally, the preacher took out his card, wrote out "Revelation 3:20" on the back of it, and stuck it in the door. Behold, I stand at the door and knock. If anyone hears my voice and opens the door, I will come in to him and dine with him, and he with me. - Rev 3:20 The next day, the card turned up in the collection plate. Below the preacher's message was written the following notation: I heard your voice in the garden, and I was afraid because I was naked; and I hid myself. - Genesis 3:10 Adriel owned a business that sold plastics to many different companies. One day one of his warehouses burnt to the ground. This led to many orders being cancelled and a loss of customers. The insurance company was not going to cover the damage. Adriel was in real trouble. He could lose everything. A worried Adriel went to see his Pastor and told him, "I need help! My warehouse burnt to the ground, my product is all gone, my customers are leaving, and I am losing everything!" The Pastor replied, "Check your Bible. You'll find all the answers in there." "Where should I start?" Adriel asked. The minister answered, "If you don't know where to look, just close your eyes, open the book, put your finger somewhere on the page, and start right there. Sooner or later you will find your answer." A few months later the Pastor encountered Adriel in the parking lot after church services. It was obvious Adriel had become very successful because he had a new car, new clothes, a Rolex, and several gold chains. Adriel tells the Pastor, "Thank you. You were right. The Bible's answer to my needs turned my life around!" Curious, the Pastor asked, "In what passage did you find your answers?" The man says, "I did just what you said. I opened the Bible to a spot, looked down, and found my answer staring me right in the face - 'Chapter 11.' "

Week of 1/17 -1/23/99

The Microschlock Bible (A parody. Adapted by Bellgamin) Customer: Oh salesclerk, could you help me please? Clerk: Hi, my name is Velma and I'll be your Support. What's your problem? Customer: The book of Psalms is missing from this Bible I bought here yesterday. Clerk: Try looking again. Maybe Psalms will be there this time. Customer: No, it's still missing. Clerk: Maybe it's the way you're using the Bible. Try opening it from the back instead of the front. Customer: Even when I open it from the back, Psalms is still missing. Clerk: Maybe the Bible is incompatible with your eyeglasses. Did you wear READING glasses while you used this Bible? Customer: I don't need glasses. My eyesight is perfect. Clerk: Hmmm...if you say so. Well, it might be a configuration problem. How was the Bible set up? Customer: They just handed it to me in a cardboard box. What has that got to do with the fact that Psalms is missing? Clerk: Can you remember everything you did before you noticed the book of Psalms was missing? Customer: I took it out of the box, of course! Clerk: Oh oh! That could be the cause of your problem. Anyway, that Bible is rather out-dated technology. Have you considered upgrading to our most recent version? Customer: You folks have updated the Bible? Clerk: Certainly. We just issued Bible-98, version 2.1. It comes with 100 free hours on the internet, plus one full year of Tech Support. Customer: Okay, bring me Bible-98. I'm running late now. Clerk: Here you are sir. Bible-98, the latest thing. Clerk starts to leave. Customer: (Examines Bible) Hey, wait a minute! What are all these extra pages glued in between the Bible pages? I didn't ask for those. Clerk: No problem sir. They can be removed for a slight extra cost. Of course, doing so will void the warranty and your Bible might not function properly without them. (And so it goes. Er..... did anybody say McWindoze?)

Week of 1/24 -1/31/99

A young widow woman had two incorrigible boys named Pat and Mike. Having failed in all attempts at controlling the little rascals, the desperate mother decided to try one last approach. She took them to the meanest preacher in town for a lecture. First the older boy, Pat, was admitted into the stern minister's study. Glaring at Pat from behind the desk, the preacher waited a few moments, then challenged him: "Young man, where is God?" Pat went rigid, stunned to silence. The preacher rose part way out of his chair and loudly repeated the question: "I asked you, Where Is God?" By now, Pat was quaking with dread. This was no ordinary lecture for being bad! Stepping around from behind the desk, the impassioned preacher now shouted his question, "WHERE IS GOD!?" At this, the Pat leaped from his chair and bolted out the door, running headlong into his brother Mike. "What's wrong? What's the matter?" Mike asked. "It's awful!" Pat screeched. "Somebody chased God away from the church and they're trying to BLAME US!" Three Pastors were having lunch. One said "You know, since summer started I've been having trouble with bats in my attic at church. I've tried everything--noise, spray, cats--nothing seems to scare them away." Another said "Yea, me too. I've got hundreds living in my belfry and in the attic. I've even had the place fumigated, and they still won't go away." The third said, "I baptized all mine, and made them members of the church. Haven't seen one back since!"

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