Church Chuckles
February 1999

Bible Bell Humor: Week of 2/1 - 2/7/99

Alphonse was in front of me coming out of church one day, and Pastor Michael was standing at the door, as he always, is to shake hands. Pastor Michael grabbed Alphonse by the hand and pulled him aside.

The Pastor said to him, "You need to join the Army of the Lord!"

Alphonse, "I'm already in the Army of the Lord, Pastor."

Pastor Michael asked, "How come I don't see you except at Christmas and Easter?"

Alphonse whispered back, "I'm in the secret service.

Kids' Letters

Dear God:

Why is Sunday school on Sunday? I thought it was supposed to be our
day of rest. Tom

Please send me a pony. I never asked for anything before. You can
look it up. Bruce.

"The Bible tells us to love our neighbors, and also to love our enemies; probably because generally they are the same people." - G.K. Chesterton
During Sunday services, a Pastor is so overwhelmed with religious fervor that he drops to his knees, puts his forehead to the ground and says "Before you Lord, I am nothing."

Not to be outdone, the Deacon also gets down on his knees, puts his forehead to the floor and says, "Before you Lord, I am nothing."

Moved by their humility, a layman in the fourth row steps into the aisle. He falls down on his knees, puts his forehead to the ground and says, "Before you Lord, I am nothing."

The Deacon, noticing the guy, elbows the Pastor. "So," he whispers. "Look who

thinks he's nothing."

Superbowl XXXIII - aftermath

After John Elway dies and enters the Pearly Gates, God takes him on a tour. He shows John a tiny two-bedroom house with a raggedy Broncos banner hanging from the front porch. "This is your house, John. Most people don't get their own houses up here," God says.

John looks at the house, then turns around and sees one sitting on top of the hill. It's a huge two-story mansion with white marble columns, flowing fountains, a rolling lawn, and splendid patios. Flags for the State of Georgia line both sides of the sidewalk, and a huge Atlanta Falcons banner hangs between the marble columns.

"Thanks for the house, Lord," says John, "but let me ask you a question. I get this dinky little two-bedroom house, but Chris Chandler gets a mansion with brand new Falcon banners and flags flying all over the place. Why is that?"

God looks at him seriously for a moment, then with a smile God says, "That's not Chandler's house. It's mine."

Three pastors went to the pastor convention and were all sharing one room.

The first pastor said, "Let's confess our secret sins one to another. I'll
start - my secret sin is I just love to gamble. When I go out of town,
it's cha-ching cha-ching, let the machines ring."

The second pastor said, "My secret sin is that I just hate working. I copy all my sermons from those given by other pastors."

The third pastor said, "My secret sin is gossiping and, oh boy, I just can't wait to get out of this room!"

Bible Bell Humor: Week of 2/8 - 2/15/99

Letters to God from Kids

Dear God,

Maybe Cain and Abel would not kill each other so much if they had
their own rooms. It works with my brother. Larry

My brother told me about being born but it doesn't sound right. Marsha

A Preacher, a missionary, and an overweight tenor from the church choir are visiting Israel when, all of a sudden, they are captured by Arab terrorists. They are informed by these terrorists that they are going to be shot.

The Preacher said, "We are men of God. You can't shoot us!"

When the terrorists refused, the Preacher asked the terrorists for one last
request each.

"Okay," said the terrorist chief, "one last request each - but keep it short."

The Preacher says, "I would like to give a two hour sermon and not have anyone in my audience leave or fall asleep."

The tenor says, "I would like to give a two hour concert of my favorite hymns."

"And what about you?" the terrorist chief asked the missionary.

"Oh please!" said the missionary, kneeling with his hands raised in supplication. "Shoot me first!"

A woman named Shirley had a heart attack and was rushed to the hospital.

While on the operating table, Shirley had a near-death experience. Seeing God standing beside her, Shirley asked, "Is this it?"

God said, "No, dear child, you have another 30 years to live."

Upon her recovery, Shirley figured, since she had another 30 years of life, she might as well make the most of it. So she stayed in the hospital and had collagen
shots, cheek implants, a face lift, liposuction and breast augmentation. To top it off, she even had a beautician come to her hospital room and dye her hair.

As Shirley left the hospital, she was struck by a speeding car and died instantly. When she suddenly found herself standing in front of God in heaven, Shirley asked Him, "Didn't you tell me I had another 30 years?"

Slapping His forehead, God exclaimed, "Shirley! I didn't recognize you!"

When Adam stayed out very late for a few nights, Eve became upset.

"You're running around with other women," Eve charged.

"Don't be ridiculous, honey," Adam responded. "You're the only woman on

The quarrel continued until Adam fell asleep, only to be awakened
by someone poking him in the chest. It was Eve.

"What do you think you're doing?" Adam demanded.

"Counting your ribs," said Eve.

Bible Bell Humor: Week of 2/16 - 2/22/99

Letters to God from Kids

Dear God:

I didn't think orange went with purple until I saw the sunset you made on Tuesday. That was cool. Eugene

Our school teacher told us that Thomas Edison invented light. But in Sunday school they said You did it. So I bet he stoled your idea. Sincerely, Donna

Matt, Kimo, and Ken are killed in a car accident and end up at St. Peter's gates.

Matt is told by St. Peter that a wife has been chosen for him for eternity. St. Peter then introduces Matt to his new mate, who is ugly and not to the Matt's liking. Matt says "What did I do to deserve this?" St. Peter answers, "You killed 10 birds in your lifetime, and this is the eternal result."

Kimo is then introduced to his eternal wife who is even uglier than Matt's wife. Kimo grumbles, "What did I do to deserve this?" St. Peter replies, "While you lived, you killed 20 birds, and this is the eternal result."

Ken nervously approaches St. Peter but is overjoyed to meet his new wife, a beautiful woman any man would be thrilled to have. Kimo asks "What did I do to deserve this?" St. Peter responds, "You? It was her...she killed 30 birds!"

A freshman student in college was attending his first class in "Comparative Religions." His professor was clearly an atheist, and started the day by saying the following:

"Students, is there anyone here who can see God? If so, raise your hand.

"If there is anyone who can hear God, raise your hand."

"If there is anyone who can smell God, raise your hand."

After a short pause without any response from the students, the professor smiled in triumph and said, "Since nobody can see, smell, or hear God, I conclude that there isn't any God!"

A student then raised his hand and asked if he could address the class. When the puzzled professor agreed, the student stood up and asked, "Fellow students, can anyone here see the professor's brain?"

"Can anyone hear the professor's brain?"

"Can anyone smell the professor's brain?"

After a short pause shrugged and said, "Since no one can see, hear, or smell
the professor's brain, I conclude that he doesn't have one!"

Bible Bell Humor: Week of 2/23 - 2/28/99

A kindergarten teacher gave each of her students a "show and tell" assignment to bring something to represent his or her religion.

When the assignment came due, the first student stood in front of the class and said, "My name is Benjamin. I am Jewish and this is the Star of David."

The second student stood and said, "My name is Maureen and I'm Catholic. This is the Crucifix."

The third student rose and reported, "My name is Tommy and I'm Baptist, and this is a casserole."
(contributed by HD)
Kids' Letters to God


If you give me a genie lamp like Aladdin, I will give you anything you want except my money or my chess set. Ralph

Please send Dennis Clark to a different camp this year. Peter

I want to be just like my Daddy when I get big but not with so much hair all over. Sam

Of all the people who work for You, I like Noah and David the best. Rob

Once upon a time there was an oh-so-grand church in a ritzy suburb. As you might expect, this church's congregation was made up of very rich folks.

Well now... one fine Sunday the church's preacher, a elderly gentleman named Falworth, was delivering an oh-so-scholarly message. To Falworth's dismay he saw a homeless-type fellow enter from behind the congregation and sit in the last row of pews.

Preacher Falworth continued his message with just half his brain (a not altogether unusual circumstance) while the other half of his brain was trying frantically to think of some way to get rid of his slovenly and highly unwelcome visitor.

After the sermon was over, Falworth immediately sped to the back pew and hustled his raggedy visitor out the door.

"Oy but it's so kind of you to give me such personal attention," said the visitor. "To show my appreciation, I'd like to join your lovely church."

"Well, my fine lad," sputtered Falworth, "uhhh -- why don't you just go right on home and pray about it for a several weeks? Better yet, keep right on praying until the good Lord speaks to you in person, then let me know what He says."

Several months went by and the unwelcome visitor didn't return. Relieved, Falworth figured the poor stupid tramp was still awaiting a personal message from God -- an event that Falworth knew was totally impossible.

More months passed. Then one day Preacher Falworth saw the "bum" on the street.

"Well, lad," the Preacher said, trying to keep from laughing. "I suppose you're still waiting to hear from God.

"Oh no, preacher," the fellow answered. "I heard from God the very same day I visited your church."

Unable to resist smiling a superior smile, Falworth asked, "Oh, and what were you told during your amazing visit from God?"

"Well, He told me to give up trying to join your lovely church. Fact is, He said He'd been trying to join it for twenty years and He hadn't made it yet."

A family came home from Church where the sermon had been about Adam and Eve.

After the family had lunch, the Mother noticed her nine-year-old son sitting on the bed feeling his ribs.

"What are you doing, Bobby," she asked.

Wide-eyed, Bobby replied, "I counted these things three times now. Mom! I think I'm having a wife."


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