Church Chuckles
March 1999

Bible Bell Humor: Week of 3/1 - 3/7/99

Jim was a very devout Christian who lived near a river.

One day, the river flooded the town where Jim lived, forcing Jim to climb onto the roof of his house. In a short while, a man in a boat came along and told Jim to climb aboard and be taken to safety.

"No thanks," Jim said. "God will take care of me." The fellow in the boat shrugged & motored off.

In a while the water had risen to where it was just a few inches below where Jim was perched. Along came another boat. "Quick, jump in!" shouted the boatman.

"No, no," replied Jim. "God is going to save me. I must trust in Him." Reluctantly the fellow in the boat departs.

Soon the water was lapping at Jim's feet so he climbed up onto the house's chimney. Then a helicopter came and lowered a ladder. The pilot yelled & frantically signaled for Jim to climb up the ladder & get in.

"Leave me alone!" Jim yelled back, motioning at the pilot to go away. "God is going to save me any minute now."

Suddenly the house shuddered on its foundations, no longer able to resist the river's might surge. In front of the pilot's horrified eyes, the house broke up into so much tinder wood, and Jim disappeared under the raging waters.

Up in heaven, Jim stood before God. "I trusted you to take care of me," Jim said. "How come you let me drown?"

God replied "Well, I sent you two boats and a helicopter. What else did you want?"

Mrs. Mitsumori invited some people to dinner. At the table, she turned to her six-year-old daughter and said, "Yuki, would you like to say the blessing?"

"I don't know what to pray," little Yuki replied.

"Just pray what you hear Mommy pray," Mrs. Mitsumori said, smiling.

Reverently, little Yuki bowed her head and said, "Dear Lord, why on earth did we invite
all these people to dinner?"

After the church service, young Billy told Pastor O'Toole, "When I save up enough, I'm
going to give you some money."

"Well thank you, my lad," Pastor O'Toole answered, beaming. "But why?"

"Because," Billy said, "my daddy says you're one of the poorest preachers we've ever had."

While little LaDaisha was in church with her mother, she started feeling ill.

LaDaisha tugged at her Mother's blouse. "Mommy," she pleaded, "can we leave now?"

"No," her mother replied. "Now sit there quietly."

"Well, I think I have to throw up!" LaDaisha insisted.

"Oh shoot," the Mother grumbled. "Well, just slip out the front door, go around to the back of the church, and throw up behind a bush."

After about 60 seconds LaDaisha returned to her seat.

"Did you throw up?" the Mother whispered.


"How could you go all the way to the back of the church and return so quickly?"

"I didn't have to go outside, Mommy. They have a box next to the front door that says, 'For the Sick'."

Young Tommy woke up late one Sunday morning and had to hurry to get dressed and go to Sunday school.

Running out the front door, and on the way to church, Tommy kept praying, "Please, God, don't let me be late. Please, God don't let me be late."

When Tommy reached the church he charged up the steps and fell with a plop.

"Thanks for the help, Father," Tommy said with a huge sigh, glaring up at heaven, "but You didn't have to push me!"

Bible Bell Humor: Week of 3/8 - 3/14/99

A minister told his congregation, "Next week I plan to preach about the sin of lying. To help you understand my sermon, I want you all to read Mark chapter 17."

The following Sunday, as he prepared to deliver his sermon, the minister asked for a show of hands. He wanted to know how many had read Mark 17. Many hands went up. The minister smiled and said, "Mark has only sixteen chapters. I will now proceed with my sermon on the sin of lying.

Little Sammy was studying the Torah for his Bar Mitzvah when his mother asked him what he had learned in Hebrew school that day.

"Well, momma, the rabbi told us how God sent Moses behind enemy lines on a rescue mission to lead the Israelites out of Egypt. When they got to the Red Sea, he had his engineers build a pontoon bridge and all the Jews walked across safely. Then the Egyptians followed and Moses used his walkie-talkie to radio headquarters for air cover. They sent bombers to blow up the bridge, drown the Egyptians, and the Israelites were saved."

"Now, Sammy, is that really what the rabbi taught you?" his mother asked.

"Well, no, momma, but if I told it the way the rabbi did, you'd never believe me!"

Fred had been a faithful Christian and was in the hospital, near death. The family called their preacher to stand with them.

As the preacher stood next to the bed, Fred's condition appeared to deteriorate and he motioned frantically for something to write on.

The pastor lovingly handed him a pen and a piece of paper, and Fred used his last bit of energy to scribble a note, then he died.

The preacher thought it best not to look at the note at that time, so he placed it in his jacket pocket.

At the funeral, as the preacher finished the message, he realized that he was wearing the same jacket that he was wearing when Fred died. He said, "You know, Fred handed me a note just before he died. I haven't looked at it, but knowing Fred, I'm sure there's a word of inspiration there for us all."

He opened the note, and read, "Hey, you're standing on my oxygen tube!"

Q: At what time of the day was Adam created?
A: A little before Eve.

The young priest rushed into his superior's office. "Father Murphy," he
exclaimed. "Come quick! Our Savior is in our church!"

The two clerics rushed into the church and sure enough, there was the Lord Jesus praying at the Altar.

"What should we do?" whispered young Father McLaughlin.

"Try to look busy!" answered the older priest.

Bible Bell Humor: Week of 3/15 - 3/21/99

A little boy opened the large old family Bible, and looked with fascination at the ancient pages as he turned them one by one.

He was still in Genesis when something fell out of the Bible. He picked it up and looked at it closely. It was a very large old tree leaf that had been pressed between the pages of the Bible long ago.

"Momma, look what I found!" the boy called out.

"What do you have there?" his mother asked.

With astonishment in his voice, the young boy answered, "I think it's part of Adam's suit!"

Q: Where is constipation mentioned three times in the Bible?
A: (1) Satan is bound. (2) Elijah said, "Nothing will move me." (3) Moses took 2 tablets.

For the Preacher - Good News & Bad News

Good News: You baptized seven people today in the river.
Bad News: You lost two of them in the swift current.

Good News: The Women's Guild voted to send you a get-well card.
Bad News: The vote passed by 31-30.

Good News: The Elder Board accepted your job description the way you wrote it.
Bad News: They were so inspired by it, they also formed a search committee to find somebody capable of filling the position.

Good News: You finally found a choir director who approaches things exactly the same way you do.
Bad News: The choir mutinied.

Good News: Mrs. Jones is wild about your sermons.
Bad News: Mrs. Jones is also wild about the "Jerry Springer show," "Beavis and Butthead" and "Texas Chain Saw Massacre."

Good News: Your women's softball team finally won a game.
Bad News: They beat your men's softball team.

Good News: The trustees finally voted to add more church parking.
Bad News: They're going to pave the front lawn of your parsonage.

Good News: Church attendance rose dramatically the last three weeks.
Bad News: You were on vacation.

Good News: Your deacons want to send you to the Holy Land.
Bad News: They are waiting until the next war.

Good News: The youth in your church have come to your home to pay a surprise visit.
Bad News: It's midnight and they are armed with toilet paper & shaving cream to "decorate" your house.

Abraham wants to upgrade his PC to Windows 98. His son Isaac is incredulous.

"Pop," Isaac says, "you can't run Windows 98. You've only got 8 megs of memory. Everyone knows you need at least 32 megs to use Windows 98 effectively."

Abraham, the man of faith, gazed calmly at his son and replied, "God will provide the RAM, my son."

It seems St. Peter and the Devil had an agreement to share the costs of maintaining the fence between Heaven and Hell.

One weekend there was a bit of a brawl in Hell that got out of hand, and part of the fence was smashed. St. Peter had it repaired, paid the bill, and then asked the Devil to pay his share of the expense.

Satan ignored St. Peter's request for weeks. Finally, in exasperation, St. Peter said he would sue the Devil if he didn't pay up.

"Oh yeah?" snorted the Devil. "And where do you think you're going to find a lawyer?"

Bible Bell Humor: 3/27 - 3/31/99

A Sunday school teacher asked the children, "Why should you be quiet in church?"

Little Johnny promptly answered, "Because people are sleeping!"

Mr. Johnson, a businessman from Wisconsin, went on a business trip to Louisiana. He immediately sent an e-mail back to his wife, Jean. Unfortunately, he mistyped a letter and the e-mail ended up going to a Mrs. Joan Johnson, the wife of a preacher who had just passed away.

The preacher's wife took one look at the e-mail and promptly fainted. When she was finally revived, she nervously pointed to the message, which read: "Arrived safely, but it sure is hot down here!"

Favorite Hymns, by Profession

Dentist - "Crown Him with Many Crowns"
Weatherman - "There Shall be Showers of Blessing"
Building contractor - "The Church's One Foundation"
Tailor - "Holy, Holy, Holy"
Golfer - "There is a Green Hill Far Away"
Politician - "Standing on the Promises"
Optometrist - "Open Mine Eyes that I Might See"
Internal Revenue Service - "All to Thee"
Gossip - "Pass It On"
Electrician - "Send the Light"
Shopper - "Sweet By and By"

More Church Bulletin Bloopers

A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.

At the evening service the sermon will be "What is Hell?" Come early and listen to the choir practice.

The service will end with "Little drops of Water." One of the ladies will start quietly and the rest of the congregation will join in.

Over the massive front doors of a church, these words were inscribed...

"The Gate to Heaven"

Below that was a small cardboard sign which read: "Please use other entrance."

A young boy was visiting a church for the very first time and was checking out the announcements and posters along the walls. He came upon a group of pictures of men in uniform and asked the nearby usher, "Who are all the men in these pictures?"

The usher replied, "Why, those are our boys who died in the service."

Startled, the young boy asked, "Was that the morning service or the evening service?"


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