Church Chuckles
April 1999

Bible Bell Humor: 4/1/99

A camper was out on hike when he saw a bear. When he started running, the bear chased after him. Finally he came to a cliff. He decided to kneel down and pray. When he did, so did the bear.

"God is answering my prayer", the man thought.

Then the bear said "Bless us oh Lord, for these Thy gift's which we are about to receive from Thy bounty..."

A rabbi, a priest and a pastor were all in a boat together fishing.

The pastor said to the others, "I think I am going to go over to that shore and sit down." So he gets out of the boat, walks across the water, and sits down on the shore.

Then the priest says to the rabbi, "I think I'll go over there and join him." So he walks across the surface of the water and sits next to the pastor on the shore.

The rabbi thinks to himself, "Well, if they can do it, so can I!" So he climbs out of the boat, but immediately sinks into the water.

The pastor says to the priest, "Do you think we should of told him where the rocks were?"

During a children's sermon, the Pastor asked the children what "Amen" means.

A little boy raised his hand and said, "It means 'Tha-tha-tha-that's all folks'!"

During a service at an old synagogue in Eastern Europe, when the Shema prayer was said, half the congregants stood up and half remained sitting.

The half that was seated started yelling at those standing to sit down, and the ones standing yelled at the ones sitting to stand up.

The rabbi, learned as he was in the Law and commentaries, didn't know what to do. His congregation suggested that he consult a housebound 98-year-old man, who was one of the original founders of their temple.

The rabbi hoped the elderly man would be able to tell him what the actual temple tradition was, so he went to the nursing home with a representative of each faction of the congregation.

The one whose followers stood during Shema said to the old man, "Is the tradition to stand during this prayer?"

The old man answered, "No, that is not our tradition."

The one whose followers sat asked, "Is the tradition to sit during Shema?"

The old man answered, "No, that is not our tradition."

Then the rabbi said to the old man, "Please help us! The congregants fight all the time, yelling at each other about whether they should sit or stand."

The old man interrupted, exclaiming, "THAT is our tradition!"


Plant three rows of peas:

  • Peace of mind
  • Peace of heart
  • Peace of soul

Plant four rows of squash:

  • Squash gossip
  • Squash indifference
  • Squash grumbling
  • Squash selfishness

Plant four rows of lettuce:

  • Lettuce be faithful
  • Lettuce be kind
  • Lettuce be obedient
  • Lettuce really love one another

No garden without turnips:

  • Turnip for meetings
  • Turnip for service
  • Turnip to help one another

To conclude our garden we must have thyme:

  • Thyme for God
  • Thyme for study
  • Thyme for prayer

Water freely with patience and cultivate with love.
There will be much fruit in your garden because you reap what you sow.

Bible Bell Humor: 4/8/99

A teacher gave her third grade class an assignment to write essays on the topic, "Explain God." The following was turned in by one of her 8-year-old students...

One of God's main jobs is making people. He makes them to replace the ones that die so there will be enough people to take care of things on earth.

He doesn't make grown-ups, just babies. I think because they are smaller and easier to make. That way, He doesn't have to take up His valuable time teaching them to talk and walk. He can just leave that to Moms and Dads.

God's second most important job is listening to prayers. An awful lot of this goes on, since some people, like preachers and things, pray at times besides bedtime and meals. God doesn't have time to listen to the radio or watch TV because of this.

Because God hears everything there must be a terrible lot of noise in His ears, unless He has thought of a way to turn it off.

God sees everything and hears everything and is everywhere which keeps Him pretty busy, so you shouldn't go wasting His time by going over your Mom and Dad's head asking for something they said you couldn't have.

Atheists are people who don't believe in God. I don't think there are any in Chula Vista. At least there aren't any who come to our church.

Jesus is God's Son. He used to do all the hard work like walking on water and doing miracles and trying to teach the people who didn't want to learn about God. They finally got tired of Him preaching to them and they crucified Him.

Jesus was good and kind like His Father and He told His Father that they didn't know what they were doing and to forgive them and God said OKAY.

Jesus's Dad (God) appreciated everything that He had done and all His hard work on earth so He told Him He didn't have to go out on the road anymore, He could stay in heaven. So He did. Now Jesus helps His Dad out by listening to prayers and seeing things which are important for God to take care of and which ones He can take care of Himself without having to bother God. Like a secretary only more important.

You can pray anytime you want and they are sure to hear you because they got it worked out so one of them is on duty all the time.

You should always go to church on Sunday because it makes God happy, and if there's anybody you want to make happy, it's God. Don't skip church to do something you think will be more fun like going to the beach. This is wrong! And, besides, the sun doesn't come out at the beach until noon anyway.

If you don't believe in God, besides being an atheist, you will be very lonely, because your parents can't go everywhere with you, like to camp, but God can. It is good to know He's around you when you're scared in the dark or when you can't swim very good and get thrown into real deep water by big kids.

But you shouldn't just always think of what God can do for you. I figure God put me here and He can take me back anytime He pleases.

And that's why I believe in God.

A church was running short of the finances that were needed to do some sorely needed repairs.

The Pastor worried over how he could motivate the congregation to come up with more money. To add to the Pastor's problems, just before the start of worship services he learned that the regular organist was sick and a substitute had been
brought in at the last minute. The substitute wanted to know what to play.

"Here's a copy of the service," the Pastor said impatiently. "But you'll have to think of something appropriate to play after I make the announcement about the finances."

Following the Pastor's sermon, he paused and said, "Brothers and Sisters, we are in great difficulty. The church repairs are costing nearly twice as much as we expected, and we need $4,000 more. Any of you who can pledge $100 or more, please stand up."

At that moment, the substitute organist played "The Star-Spangled Banner."

And that is how the substitute became the regular organist!

Kids interpret the Bible

(Note: Teacher's corrections are given in the footnotes at the end of this section)

1) The first book of the Bible is Guinessis in which Adam and Eve were created from an apple.

2) Noah's wife was called Joan of Ark.

3) Unleavened bread is bread with no ingredients.

4) Lot's wife was a pillar of salt by day and a ball of fire by night.

5) Moses went to the top of Mt. Cyanide to get the Ten Commandments.

6) The Seventh Commandment is: Thou shalt not admit adultery.

7) Joshua led the Hebrews in the battle of Geritol.

8) Solomon had 300 wives and more than 700 porcupines.

9) Jesus was born because Mary had an immaculate contraption.

10) The people who followed Jesus were called the 12 decibels.

11) One of the opossums was St. Matthew.

12) The epistles were the wives of the apostles.

13) Paul preached acromony which is another name for marriage.

14) The Jews had trouble throughout their history with unsympathetic Genitals.

15) David fought the Finkelsteins, a race of people who lived in biblical times.

16) A Christian should have only one wife, which is called monotony.

Teacher's corrections...

1 - Guinessis should be Genesis 5 - Mt. Cyanide should be Mt. Sinai 7 - Geritol should read Jericho 8 - porcupines should be concubines 9 - contraption should be conception 10 - decibels should be disciples 11 - opossums should read apostles 13 - acromony should be matrimony? 14 - Genitals should be Gentiles 15 - Finkelsteins should be Philistines 16 - monotony should be monogamy

Bible Bell Humor: 4/19/99

One Sunday, a preacher announced that he'd pass out miniature crosses made out of palm leaves.

"Put a cross in the room where your family argues the most," the preacher said. "When you look at the cross, it will remind you that God is watching."

As people were leaving the church, a woman walked up to the preacher, shook his hand and said, "I'll take five."

14-year-old Freddy had just got his driver's permit. Right away, Freddy asked his Dad if they could discuss the use of the car.

His father took him to the study and said, "Freddy, I'll make a deal with you. Bring your grade average up from a C to a B, study your Bible more, and get your hair cut. After that, we'll talk about how often you can use the car."

About six weeks later Freddy again asked his father about using the car. Again they went to the study where Freddy's Dad said, "Son, I'm real proud of you. You've brought your grades up, and I've observed that you've been studying your Bible a lot more. But I'm very disappointed that you haven't seen fit to get your hair cut."

Freddy was prepared for his Father's objection. "Dad," he said, " since you asked me to study the Bible more, I've noticed that Samson had long hair, Moses had long hair, John the Baptist had long hair, and there's even strong argument that Jesus Himself had long hair."

To which his father replied, "You're right, son. Did you also notice that they all WALKED everywhere they went?"

The Catholic Church's air conditioning broke down, so they hired a fellow named Higgins to crawl around in the ducts and figure out what was wrong. As Higgins peeked down through one of the vents in the sanctuary, he saw little old Mrs. Murphy kneeling by the altar, saying her rosary.

Being a bit of a rascal, Higgins decided it would be funny to try and mess with Mrs. Murphy's mind. In his most authoritative voice, Higgins said, "This is Jesus. Your prayers will be answered."

Mrs. Murphy didn't even blink; just kept on saying her rosary. Higgins tried again. "This is Jesus, the Son of God!" Higgins boomed. "Your prayers will be answered!"

At this, Mrs. Murphy looks up and yells, "Wait your turn, Lord. I'm talking to your Mother!"

Pat and Mike, both in their 90's, had played professional baseball together and, after they retired, had remained close friends.

Pat suddenly fell deathly ill. Mike visited Pat on his deathbed. After they talked a while and it became obvious that Pat had only a few more minutes to live, Mike said, "Listen old friend. After you die, try and get a message back to me. I want to know if there's baseball in heaven."

With his dying breath, Pat whispers, "If God permits, I'll do my best to get you an answer."

A few days after Pat died, Mike is sleeping when he hears Pat's voice.

Pat says, "Mike, I've got good news and bad news. The good news is, yes, there IS baseball in heaven. The bad news is, you're scheduled to pitch the top half of tomorrow's double-header

Bible Bell Humor: 4/28/99

Felix, the cat burglar, was scouting a wealthy suburb of Honolulu, looking for a likely place he could rob.

At one grand house Felix saw a truck unloading expensive furniture, a big screen television, stereo equipment, and a computer. Felix figured that the electronic gear alone was worth several thousand dollars. He made a mental note and went on his way.

The next day Felix returned to the same neighborhood. When he drove past the house with all the goodies, he saw an airport limousine parked in front. An elderly couple was watching as the driver loaded their suitcases into the limousine's trunk. Felix could hardly believe his good fortune.

That night, Felix drove to the house and boldly rang the doorbell. When no one answered, he quietly and efficiently jimmied the door lock and entered the house.

The minute Felix stepped inside, a shrill voice pierced the darkness. "I see you," said the voice, "and Satan sees you."

Felix froze in his tracks, his heart drumming madly against his chest.

"I see you and Satan sees you," the voice shrieked again.

When nothing more happened, Felix took out his flashlight and shined it in the direction of the voice. All he saw was a parrot on its perch.

"I see you and Satan sees you," squawed the parrot.

Felix sagged in relief and chuckled. "Just a dumb bird," he muttered.

Felix swung his flashlight around the room, trying to decide which items he should steal. As Felix did so, he spotted the biggest, meanest looking Rottweiler he had ever seen, its eyes glowing in the reflection of the flashlight's beam.

"Sic him, Satan!" the parrot said.

Mary McTavish dies and goes to heaven.

St. Peter meets her at the Pearly Gates and says, "Here's how it works. You need 500 points to enter into heaven. You tell me all the good works you did in your lifetime. I'll award you a certain number of points for each of your works, depending on how good it was. When you reach 500 points, you get in."

"Fair enough," Mary said, confident she would have no difficulty in piling up 500 points, with plenty to spare. "To begin with, I was a good wife to Hamish McTavish for 50 years and never cheated on him, even in my heart."

"That's wonderful," says St. Peter. "Hamish was a hard man to live with so I'll award you 3 points for that."

"Only 3 points," Mary grumbles. "Ah well, then," she continues, "I attended church all my life, rain or shine. Never missed a service. Always gave God more than my tithe."

"Terrific!" says St. Peter, "that's certainly worth 2 points."

"Only 2 points! Can you spare it, I wonder?" Mary complained. "How about this? All by myself I started a soup kitchen in my town. Not only that but I regularly did free work in a shelter for unmarried mothers."

"Splendid!" exclaimed St. Peter. "That's good for another point."

Mary take it no longer. "Are you daft, man?" she exploded. "I spent my life on those good deeds and I only get 6 points total for the bunch of them?"

"I'm sorry," replies St. Peter, "but that's all they're worth. Actually, I was a bit too generous."

"Generous?" Mary moans, her eyes filling with tears of hopelessness. "Alas, at this rate the only way I'll get into heaven is by the grace of God."

St. Peter beamed. "Welcome home little sister. You may enter!"


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