Bible Bell's Clean Yuma
May 1999

Bible Bell Humor: 5/11/99

One cold winter's eve two traveling angels knocked on the door of a wealthy banker's home and asked for a place to spend the night. The banker grudgingly allowed the angels to sleep in his cold basement.

As the angels made their bed on the hard floor, the older angel saw a hole in the wall and repaired it. When the younger angel asked why, the older angel replied, "Things aren't always what they seem."

The next night the two angels asked for shelter at the home of a very poor farmer and his wife. After the farm couple had shared what little food they had, they insisted on making their bed in the hayloft so the angels could sleep in the main bedroom and get a good night's rest.

The next morning, the angels found the farmer and his wife in tears. Their only cow had been found dead in the field. In deep shock and sorrow, the younger angel asked the older angel, "Why did you have let this happen? The banker had everything, yet you helped him. The poor farmer has practically nothing yet you let their cow die!"

"Things aren't always what they seem," the older angel replied. "When we stayed in the basement of the banker's mansion, I noticed there was gold hidden in that hole in the wall. Since the banker was so obsessed with greed, I sealed the wall so he wouldn't find it. Then last night, as we slept in the farmers bed, a demon sought to slay the farmer's wife. I gave him the cow instead. Things aren't always what they seem."

Forget not to show love unto strangers: for thereby some have entertained angels unawares. (Heb 13.2, ASV)
A doctor, a lawyer, a young boy, and a preacher were out for a Sunday afternoon ride in a small private plane. Suddenly the plane developed engine trouble. In spite of the best efforts of the pilot the plane started to go down. Finally the pilot grabbed a parachute, yelled to the passengers that they had better jump, and bailed out.

Unfortunately there were only three parachutes remaining. The doctor grabbed one and said "I'm a doctor. I save lives, so I must live." The doctor jumped out.

The lawyer then said, "I'm a lawyer and lawyers are the smartest people in the world. I deserve to live!" He grabbed a parachute and jumped.

The preacher hugged the little boy and said, "My son, I've lived a long and enjoyed a full life. You are young and have your whole life ahead of you. Take the last parachute and go in peace."

The little boy handed the parachute back to the preacher and said, "Not to worry, Pastor. The smartest man in the world just jumped off the airplane with my back pack."
Did you ever wonder why people read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older? The answer is simple -- they're cramming for their finals!
One day Mr. Edwards fell unconscious with a heart attack. His wife quickly called 911. The ambulance delivered Mr. Edwards to the nearest Emergency Room, which was located in a Catholic hospital. Immediately the ailing man was taken to the OR for heart surgery.

The operation went well. When Mr. Edwards regained consciousness, he was reassured by a Sister of Mercy, who was waiting by his bed.

"Mr. Edwards, you're going to be just fine," said the nun, gently patting his hand. "We do need to know, however, how you intend to pay for your stay here. Are you covered by insurance?"

"No, I'm not," the man whispered hoarsely.

"Then can you pay in cash?" asked the nun.

"I'm afraid I cannot, Sister."

"Well, do you have any close relatives?" the nun persisted.

"Just my sister in New Mexico," Mr. Edwards answered. "But she's a humble spinster nun."

"Oh, I must correct you, Mr. Edwards," said the Sister of Mercy. "Nuns are not spinsters. Your sister is married to God."

"Wonderful," said Mr. Edwards. "In that case, please send the bill to my Brother-in-law."
Once upon a time a Pastor named DiTullio spotted Tom, a member of his congregation who was looking particularly sad that day.

"What's wrong, Tom?" asked Pastor DiTullio in a concerned voice.

"My plow horse has gone blind, Pastor, and I can't afford to feed her if she can't work. Hate to do it -- I love that old nag -- but this afternoon I got to shoot her."

"Don't do that, Tom. Let me have her. I'd love to have a horse, blind or not."

Tom gladly agreed.

Over the following months, the Pastor diligently worked with the blind horse, teaching the animal to move forward when he said, "Praise the Lord," and to halt when he said, "Amen."

Well then ... one fine day Pastor DiTullio figured his horse had learned enough to be taken for a test ride. The Pastor mounted the animal and said, "Praise the Lord." The horse obediently trotted off. After riding several miles, the Pastor decided to stop for lunch and said, "Amen." Without hesitation the horse came to an instant stop.

After eating, Pastor DiTullio remounted and said, "Praise the Lord." The horse trotted forward.

Suddenly the Pastor realized they were headed toward the edge of a great high cliff.

"Whoa! Whoa!" shouted the Pastor, but the horse kept on trotting toward the cliff.

At the very brink of disaster, the Pastor suddenly remembered and yelled, "Amen!" The horse instantly halted, inches away from the cliff's edge.

With a huge sigh of relief, Pastor DiTullio devoutly raised his eyes toward heaven and said, "Praise the Lord!"

Bible Bell Humor: 5/20/99

There was a huge pecan tree in the cemetery, just a short ways from the fence. One day two boys sneaked into the cemetary and filled up a bucket with pecans. The bucket was so full that several pecans rolled away and came to a rest against the cemetary fence.

The two boys then sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts between them.

"One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me," said one boy.

Cycling down the road near the cemetery came a third boy named Joey. As Joey passed the graveyard, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery and slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, Joey heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me."

Joey immediately knew what was going on."Oh wow!" he shuddered. "It's Satan and St. Peter dividing the souls at the cemetery!"

Joey sped down the road and found old Mr. Finch with a cane, limping slowly along.

"Come quick!" Joey shouted. "You won't believe what I heard! Satan and St. Peter are down at the cemetery dividing up the souls!"

Mr. Finch scowled and yelled, "Shoo you brat! Can't ya see I'm finding it hard to walk as it is?"

After Joey made several more urgent pleas, Mr. Finch reluctantly hobbled to the cemetery and heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me."

"Boy, you've been tellin' the truth!" Mr. Finch exclaimed in a whisper. "Let's get closer and maybe we'll get to see the Devil himself."

Shivering with fear, Joey and Mr. Finch edged toward the fence, still unable to see the source of the voices.

Then they heard, "One for you, one for me. And here's another for you and another for me. There, that's the last of them. Now, let's go get those nuts by the fence, and we'll be done."
A cannibal ate a priest and got very sick. Upon visiting the witch doctor and telling of his symptoms, the witch doctor asked how he had cooked the priest. The cannibal replied that he had broiled him.

Hearing this the witch doctor exclaimed, "Well no wonder you're sick! He was a Friar!"
Pastor Luigi was walking down the street when he came upon a group of several boys, all of them between 10 and 12 years of age. The group surrounded a dog. Concerned lest the boys were hurting the dog, Pastor Luigi went over and asked, "What are you boys doing with that poor animal?"

One of the boys replied, "This dog is just an old neighborhood stray. We all want him, but only one of us can take him home. So we've decided that whichever one of us can tell the biggest lie will get to keep him."

"You boys shouldn't be having a contest telling lies!" Pastor Luigi exclaimed. He then launched into a ten-minute sermon against lying, beginning, "Don't you boys know it's a sin to lie," and ending with, "Why, when I was your age, I never told a lie."

There was dead silence for about a minute. Just as Luigi began to think he'd really gotten through to them, the smallest boy gave a deep sigh and said, "All right, Pastor, you win the dog."
Whenever your kids are out of control, you can take comfort in God's sympathy with your parental difficulties.

Consider this...

After creating heaven and earth, God created Adam and Eve. The first thing He said to them was: "Don't eat of the tree of the knowledge of good and evil."

"Don't what?" Adam replied.

"Don't eat the forbidden fruit," God replied.

"Forbidden fruit? We got forbidden fruit? Hey, Eve -- we got Forbidden Fruit!"

"No way!" said Eve.

"Yes WAY!" exclaimed Adam.

"Don't eat that fruit!" said God.

"Why not?" whined Adam.

"Because I'm your Creator and I said so!" said God, wondering why He hadn't stopped after making the elephants.

A while later God discovered Adam and Eve happily munching on the forbidden fruit.

"Didn't I tell you not to eat that fruit?" God asked.

"Uh huh," Adam said, eyes downcast.

"Then why did you?" asked God.

"It was an accident," Eve answered, scrubbing her eyes.

"She started it!" Adam said, elbowing Eve in the ribs.

"Did Not!" Eve rejoined, kicking Adam on the shin.

"DID so!"


Having had it with the two of them, God's punishment was that Adam and Eve should have children of their own.

Thus the pattern was set and it has never changed. But there is a reassurance. If you have persistently and lovingly tried to instill wisdom in your children, but have failed, don't be too hard on yourself. If God got nothing but trouble from His children, what made you think it would be a piece of cake for you?

Bible Bell Humor: 5/27/99

It is reported that the following extract from the Book of Genesis was discovered in the Dead Sea Scrolls...

And Adam said, "Lord, when I was in the garden, You walked with me everyday. Now I do not see You anymore. I am lonesome here and it is difficult for me to remember how much You love me."

And God said, "No problem! I will create a companion for you. Regardless of how selfish and childish and unlovable you may be, this new companion will accept you as you are and will love you as I do, in spite of yourself."

And God created DOG.

And DOG was well-pleased to be with Adam and waggeth his tail. And DOG worshipped Adam and was a companion to him and gave to Adam unquestioning love.

And it came to pass that Adam's guardian angel came to God and said, "Lord, Adam has become filled with pride. He struts and preens because of DOG's worship."

And God said, "No problem! I will create for him a companion who will see Adam as he is. This companion will make Adam mindful of his limitations, and so shall Adam know that he is but a mere mortal and not worthy of worship."

And God created CAT.

A CAT treated Adam with disdain, and would not obey Adam. And God was pleased. And Adam learned humility.

And CAT did not care one way or the other.
A poor little country church down in Kentucky desperately needed a fresh coat of paint.

By means of bake sales, car washes and the like, the congregation raised barely enough money to buy five gallons of dark green paint.

The day came when everyone came out to help paint the church. Unfortunately, the pastor soon realized that five gallons of paint simply wasn't enough to do the job. So the pastor told the painters to start thinning down the paint with water. They did so and resumed painting.

Soon they saw that they still lacked sufficient paint to finish the job, so they thinned the paint even more. Even then the supply of paint still was insuffucient so they thinned some more. And yet again they thinned. And yet again.

As the painting progressed, the color of the wall began to turn from dark green to increasingly lighter and lighter shades of green.

Just then a big, black thundercloud came and settled directly over the painters. A torrential downpour drenched the little church, completely washing off all the paint.

Then a booming voice spoke from the cloud, saying, "Re-paint! Re-Paint! And thin no more."
One Sunday in a Midwest city a young boy was "acting up" during the morning worship hour.

The parents did their best to maintain some sense of order in the pew but were losing the battle.

Finally the father picked the little fellow up and walked sternly up the aisle on his way out.

Just before reaching the safety of the foyer the boy called loudly to the congregation, "Pray for me! Pray for me!"






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