Bible Bell's Clean Yuma
June 1999

Humor for 6/3/99

Tid-bits from bumper stickers, and from signs outside of churches

  • God so loved the world that He did not send a committee
  • Come in and pray today. Beat the Christmas rush!
  • Sign broken. Message inside this Sunday
  • Fight truth decay -- study the Bible daily
  • How will you spend eternity -- Smoking or Non-smoking?
  • Dusty Bibles lead to Dirty Lives
  • Come work for the Lord. The hours are long, the pay is low, but the retirement benefits are out of this world.
  • Our arms are the only ones God has to hug His children.
  • It is unlikely there'll be a reduction in the wages of sin.
  • Don't wait for the hearse to take you to church.
  • If you don't like the way you were born, try being born again.
  • This is a ch_ _ ch. What is missing? (U R)
  • In the dark? Follow the Son.
  • Running low on faith? Stop in for a fill-up.
  • If you can't sleep, don't count sheep. Talk to the Shepherd.
  • No God -- No Peace. Know God -- Know Peace.
  • Free Trip to Heaven!! Details Inside!
  • Searching for a new look? Have your faith lifted here!

A student's prayer

Now I lay me down to rest,
I pray to pass tomorrow's test.
If I should die before I wake,
That's one less test I'll have to take.

Letters from kids

Dear Pastor, I know God loves everybody but He never met my sister. Arnold, age 8

Dear Pastor, Please say in your sermon that Peter Peterson has been a good boy all week. I am Peter Peterson. Pete, age 9

Dear Pastor, My dad should be a minister. Every day he gives us a sermon about something. Robert, age 11

Dear Pastor, I'm sorry I can't leave more money in the plate, but my father didn't give me a raise in my allowance. Could you have a sermon about a raise in my allowance? Patty, age 10

Dear Pastor, My mother is very religious. She goes to play bingo at church every week even if she has a cold. Annette, age 9

Dear Pastor, I would like to go to heaven someday because I know my brother won't be there. Stephen, age 8

Little Johnny had been misbehaving and was sent to his room. After a while he emerged and informed his mother that he had thought it over and asked God for help.

"That's wonderful," said the pleased mother. "I'm sure God heard your prayer and will help you to stop misbehaving."

"Oh, I didn't ask God to help me," said Johnny. "I asked Him to help you put up with me."
The Pope, Billy Graham, and a Television Evangelist (who shall remain nameless) were among the passengers on a trans-Atlantic flight. The plane crashed in the ocean and all passengers died.

When the three men of God arrived at the gates of heaven, St. Peter threw up his hands in dismay.

"Oh my," groaned St. Peter. "Your arrival is completely unexpected so your quarters aren't ready just yet."

Thinking hard, St. Peter got an idea. He quickly pressed the "Hell" button on his intercom, then said, "Hi Lucifer, I need a favor. You see, I've got these three fellows up here. They're ours, but they weren't expected right now so we need to fix the place up for them. If you could put them up for a while, I'll owe you one."

Reluctantly, the Devil agreed.

The next day, St. Peter's intercom buzzes. "Hey Pete, this is Lucifer. Man, you have to come get these three men outta here RIGHT NOW! The Pope is forgiving everybody. Billy Graham is saving everybody. Worst of all, that Television Evangelist has raised enough money to install central air conditioning!"

Humor for 6/15/99

During the French Revolution, they condemned a priest and an engineer to be executed by the guillotine. The priest asked to be executed face up so he would be looking toward Heaven when he died.

The executioner raised the blade of the guillotine and released it. It came speeding down and suddenly stopped, just inches from the priest's neck. The authorities took this as Divine Intervention and released the priest.

Next, the engineer was placed on the guillotine. He also requested to die facing up, hoping he would be as fortunate as the priest. As the executioner slowly raised the blade of the guillotine, the engineer suddenly exclaimed, "Hey, I see what the problem is..."
The crumbling old church building badly needed repairs, so the preacher made an impassioned appeal, looking directly at the richest man in town.

At the end of the message, the rich man stood up and announced, "Pastor, I will contribute $1,000." Just then, plaster fell from the ceiling and struck the rich man on the shoulder. Flicking a speck of white dust from his suit, the rich man calmly announced, "Pastor, I will increase my donation to $5,000." Before he could sit back down, plaster fell on him again. Now covered from head to toe with plaster dust, the rich man grimly said, "Pastor, I will double my last pledge, but that's all I intend to contribute."

As the rich man sat down, a deacon suddenly shouted, "Hit him again, Lord! Hit him again!"
Three preachers, an Episcopalian, a Presbyterian and a Baptist, were discussing what they would like people to say after they died and their bodies were on display in open caskets.

The Episcopalian preacher said, "I would like someone to say 'He was a righteous man, an honest man, and very generous.' "

The Presbyterian preacher said, "I would like someone to say 'He was very kind and fair, and he was very good to his congregation.' "

The Baptist preacher said, "Hmmmm, I want someone to say 'Hey look! He's MOVING!' "
First Kings chapter 18...

Emily Knudson, a Sunday school teacher, was carefully explaining the story of Elijah the Prophet and the false prophets of Baal.

Emily told the children how Elijah built the altar, placed the carcass of a bull upon it, then surrounded the bull with firewood.

Then Emily told her class how Elijah had commanded the people to fill several barrels with water and pour it all over the altar. To get her point across, Emily placed great emphasis on the fact that Elijah had made the people douse the altar four times, until the bull and the firewood were in a pool of water, completely saturated.

"Now," said the teacher, "can anyone in the class tell me why the Lord would have Elijah pour so much water over the steer on the altar?"

Seven year old Tommy instantly raised his hand. "To make the gravy!" came Tommy's enthusiastic reply.

Humor for 6/25/99

Kids' letters to the Pastor

Dear Pastor, I liked your sermon where you said that good health is more important than money but I still want a raise in my allowance. Sincerely, Eleanor Age 12

Dear Pastor, Please pray for all the airline pilots. I am flying to California tomorrow. Laurie. Age 10

Dear Pastor, I hope to go to heaven some day but later than sooner. Love, Ellen, age 9

Dear Pastor, Please say a prayer for our Little League team. We need God's help or a new pitcher. Thank you. Alexander. Age 10

Dear Pastor, My father says I should learn the Ten Commandments. But I don't think I want to because we have enough rules already in my house. Joshua. Age 10

Dear Pastor, Are there any devils on earth? I think there may be one in my class. Carla. Age 10

Dear Pastor, I liked your sermon on Sunday. Especially when it was finished. Ralph, Age 11

Dear Pastor, How does God know the good people from the bad people? Do you tell Him or does He read about it in the newspapers? Sincerely, Marie. Age 9

A little boy was overheard praying: "Lord, if You can't make me a better boy, don't worry about it. I'm having a real good time like I am!"
A mother called her son one Sunday morning, to get out of bed and get ready for Church.

He replied "I'm not going."

His mother said "Yes you are going, so get out of that bed!"

The son replied "Give me ONE good reason why I should go."

The Mother said, "I'll give you THREE good reasons...

1. I'm your mother, and I say you're going.

2. You're 40 years old, so old enough to know better.

3. You're the Pastor, so you need to be there.


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