Humor for 7/4/99

Everybody hates a pun Some friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise the funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, the rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop. Terrified, they did so. And all this goes to prove that Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars. Jerry was walking along the street, when he passed by a Catholic Church and noticed smoke pouring out of the building. Jerry ran inside, and yelled to the Priest, "Father, Father!! Your Church is on Fire!" The Priest grabbed the New Testament, and ran out. A little farther up the road, Jerry was passing a Jewish Synagogue. Smoke was pouring out of the building. Jerry ran inside. "Rabbi, Rabbi!! Your building is on fire!", he cried. The Rabbi grabbed the Old Testament and ran out. A little farther down, Jerry came to a liberal church. It too was on fire. Jerry rushed inside. "Minister, Minister!!" yelled Jerry, "Your Church is on fire!" The minister grabbed the coffeepot and ran out. There were two evil brothers named Pat and Mike. They were both rich and used their money to keep their highly illegal ways from the public eye. They even attended the same church and looked to be perfect Christians. One day, Pat died and his brother Mike went to see the Pastor of their church. Mike handed the Pastor a VERY generous check -- enough to completely re-model the church's delapidated building. "If you want this money," Mike told the Pastor, "I have only one condition. When you preach at Pat's funeral, you must say that he was a saint." Frowning, the Pastor gave Mike's request careful consideration. Finally the pastor agreed to Mike's demand and accepted the check. The next day at the funeral, the Pastor did not hold back. "Pat was an evil and selfish man," the Pastor said. "He cheated on his wife and abused his family." After going on in this manner for a while, the Pastor smiled a beatific smile and said, "But compared to his brother Mike, Pat was indeed a saint." Louis was VERY wealthy. He was also very near to dying. Louis was very sad because he had worked hard for his money and didn't want to leave it all behind. So he prayed that God would allow him to bring some of his wealth with him to heaven. An angel appeared to Louis and informed him that God had reluctantly decided to allow him to take one suitcase of money to heaven with him. Overjoyed, Louis grabbed his largest suitcase and filled it with solid gold bars. Soon after, Louis died and went to greet St. Peter at the Gates of Heaven. Peter noticed the suitcase and said, "I see you have the carry-on bag that God allowed you to bring. However, I have to check it's contents before letting it through." When Peter opened the suitcase, his jaw dropped wide open. Finally he recovered and gasped, "For goodness sakes, Louis, what in the world do you want with all that pavement?"

Humor for 7/13/99

A pastor who enjoyed bragging on his son was talking one day with a friend, who happened to be a rabbi. The pastor said "My son was a star on his high school baseball team." "That's nice," said the rabbi, "and after that?" "Well," said the pastor, "after that he went to Harvard and graduated summa cum laude." "Not bad,"said the rabbi thoughtfully, "and after that?" "So then he went to law school at Georgetown and was editor of the law review." "Hmmm. And after that?" asked the rabbi. "Well, as soon as he graduated from law school, the biggest law firm in New York immediately made him a full partner!" "Not bad. Is that all?" the rabbi quietly asked. The pastor, clearly irritated, said, "Is that ALL! What do you expect -- that my son should become God or something?" The rabbi shrugged and said, "Well -- one of OUR boys made it." John Madden was in Denver to announce a football game one weekend when he noticed a special phone near the Broncos' bench. Madden asked Coach Shanahan what the special phone was for, and was told it was a hotline to God. Astonished, Madden quickly asked the coach if he could use it, and Shanahan said: "Sure, but it will cost you $100." Madden scratched his head, then said: "What the heck, I need help picking some games, so why not give it a try?" He pulled out his wallet and paid the $100. Madden's record of picking winners was perfect that week. Next weekend, Madden was in Green Bay when he noticed the same kind of phone near the Green Bay bench. He asked the coach what the phone was for. Green Bay's coach said: " It's a hotline to God. If you want to use it, it will cost you $100." Without hesitation, Madden pulled out his wallet and gladly paid the $100. Once again, Madden's record of picking winners that week was perfect. The next weekend, Madden was in Texas Stadium when he noticed the same phone near the Cowboy's bench. He asked the coach if it was a hotline to God. The Cowboy's coach said, "It sure is. If you want to use it, it'll cost you 35 cents." Madden blinked with surprise and said, "Wait a minute! I had to pay $100 in Denver and Green Bay to make the same call! Why does Dallas only charge 35 cents?" The coach grinned at Madden and replied matter-of-factly, "In Texas, it's a local call." YOU MIGHT BE IN A TEXAS COUNTRY CHURCH IF... The doors are never locked The Call to Worship is "Y'all come on in!" People grumble about Noah letting coyotes on the Ark Opening day of deer hunting season is recognized as an official church holiday When it rains, everybody's smiling The church directory doesn't have last names Four generations of one family sit together in worship every Sunday The only reason people ever lock their cars in the parking lot is so their neighbors can't leave them another bag of squash You miss worship one Sunday morning and by 2 o'clock that afternoon you've had a dozen calls inquiring about your health

Humor for 7/27/99

A woman invited some people to dinner. At the table, she turned to her six-year-old daughter and said, "Would you like to say the blessing?" "I wouldn't know what to pray," the little girl replied. "Just say what you hear Mommy say," the mother said. The little girl bowed her head and said, "Dear Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?" A pastor said to a young boy, "So your mother says your prayers for you each night? Very commendable. What does she say?" The little boy replied, "Thank God he's in bed!" A little boy's prayer... "Dear God, please take care of my daddy and my mommy and my sister and my brother and my doggy and me. And please take care of yourself, God. If anything happens to you, we're gonna be in a big mess." During the pastor's prayer one Sunday, there was a loud whistle that came from a small lad named Gary, sitting in one of the back pews. Gary's horrified mother quickly pinched him into silence. After church, the mother asked, "Gary, whatever made you make such a terrible sound in church?" Gary answered soberly: "I've been asking God to teach me to whistle, and just then -- He did!" A dad was listening to little Carol say her prayers. "Dear Harold," Carol prayed, "please bless mom and daddy and..." At this point, the dad interrupted and said, "Wait a minute, sweetie. Why are you calling God 'Harold'?" Carol looked up and said, "That's what they call Him in church. You know -- the prayer where we all say, 'Our Father who art in Heaven, Harold be Thy name.' " Simon sez: "People are like tea bags -- you have to put them in hot water before you know how strong they are."

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