Bible Bell's Clean Yuma
Updated 9/2/03


  • Sometimes you're the Bird ... sometimes you're the Windshield
  • Those nicotine patches seem to work really well, but I heard that it's kinda hard to keep 'em lit.
  • This site looks best when viewed on company time.
  • Always remember that you are unique, just like everyone else.
  • Give a man a fish and he'll ask for a lemon and some butter. Teach a man to fish and he'll leave work early on Friday.
God is sitting in heaven when a scientist prays to Him.

"God, we don't need you anymore. Science has finally figured out a way to create life out of nothing - in other words, we can now do what you did in the beginning."

"Oh, is that so? Tell Me..." replies God.

"Well," says the scientist, "we can take dirt & form it into the likeness of
you and breath life into it, thus creating man."

"Well, that's very Me."

So the scientist bends down to the earth & starts to mold the soil into the
shape of a man.

"No, no, no..." interrupts God, "get your own dirt."
Churchianity Quickies...
1. Some people are kind, polite, and sweet-spirited until you try to get into their pews or their favorite church parking spot.

2. Many folks want to serve God, but only as advisers.

3. It is easier to preach ten sermons than it is to live one.

4. We were called to be witnesses, not lawyers.

5. When you get to your wit's end, you'll find God lives there.

6. People are funny. They want the front of the bus, middle of the road, and the back of the church.

7. Opportunity may knock only once, but temptation bangs on your door for years.

8. Quit griping about your church; if it was perfect, you couldn't belong.

9. The phrase that is guaranteed to wake up an audience: "And in conclusion."

10. If the church wants a better pastor, it only needs to pray for the one it has.

11. Not only are the sins of the fathers visited upon the children, but nowadays the sins of the children are visited upon the fathers.

12. God Himself does not propose to judge a man till he's dead. So why should you?

13. To make a long story short, don't tell it.

14. If your left hand doesn't know what your right one is doing, you should consider running for a job in Washington.

15. Some minds are like concrete, thoroughly mixed up and permanently set.

16. I don't know why some people change churches. What difference does it make which one you stay home from?

17. A lot of church members are singing "Standing on the Promises" while they are just sitting on the premises.
A small boy is sent to bed by his father. Five minutes later..."Da-ad..."


"I'm thirsty. Can you bring me a drink of water?"

"No. You had your chance. Lights out."

Five minutes later: "Da-aaaad..."


"I'm THIRSTY. Can I have a drink of water??"

"I told you NO! If you ask again, I'll have to spank you!!"

Five minutes later...Daaaa-aaaad..."


"When you come in to spank me, can you bring me a drink of water?"
While taking a routine vandalism report at an elementary school, I was interrupted by a little girl about six years old. Looking up and down at my uniform, she asked, "Are you a cop?"
"Yes," I answered and continued writing the report.
"My mother said if I ever needed help I should ask the police. Is that right?"
"Yes, that's right," I told her. "Well, then," she said as she extended her foot toward me, "would you please tie my shoe?"

More quickies...

  • Blessed are those who hunger and thirst, for they are sticking to their diet.
  • Life is an endless struggle full of frustrations and challenges, but eventually you find a hair stylist you like.
  • One of life's mysteries is how a two pound box of candy can make a woman gain five pounds.
  • I finally got my head together and my body fell apart.
  • Time may be a great healer but it's also a lousy beautician.
  • Brain cells come and go but fat cells live forever.

  • Amazing! You just hang something in your closet for a while and it shrinks two sizes.
  • It is bad to suppress laughter; it goes back down and spreads to your hips.
  • Age is important only if you're cheese and wine.
  • The only time a woman wishes that she were a year older is when she is expecting a baby.
  • Freedom of the press means no-iron clothes.
  • Inside some of us is a thin person struggling to get out, but she can usually be sedated with a few pieces of chocolate cake.
  • Insanity is my only means of relaxation.
  • My mind not only wanders, it sometime leaves completely.

  • The best way to forget all your troubles is to wear tight shoes.
  • The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don't know what you're doing, someone else does.
  • The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight because by then, your body and your fat are really good friends.
  • They keep telling us to get in touch with our bodies. Mine isn't all that communicative but I heard from it the other day after I said, "Body, how'd you like to go to the six o'clock class in vigorous toning?" Clear as a bell my body said, "Do it and die."
"After a morning worship service, a mother with a fidgety seven-year-old boy told her Pastor how she finally got her son to sit still and be quiet. About halfway through the sermon, she leaned over and whispered, 'If you don't be quiet, the Pastor is going to lose his place and will have to start his sermon all over again!' It worked."
Somebody has well said that there are only two kinds of people in the world. There are those who wake up in the morning and say, "Good morning, Lord," and there are those who wake up in the morning and say, "Good Lord, it's morning!"


  • Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
  • Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in his shoes. That way, if he gets angry, he'll be a mile away - and barefoot.
  • Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you a mechanic.
  • Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
  • A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
  • A closed mouth gathers no feet.
  • My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
  • Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.
  • I have found at my age going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of my face.
  • For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.
  • If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
  • Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
  • Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.
  • Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.
  • No husband has ever been shot while doing the dishes.
There was this gracious lady mailing an old family Bible to her brother in another part of the country.
"Is there anything breakable in here?" asked the postal clerk.
"Only the Ten Commandments," answered the lady.

Chain Letter, addressed to *Pastor Search Committee*
Results of a computerized survey show that the perfect pastor...

  • Preaches exactly 15 minutes, condemns sin, but never upsets anyone.
  • Works from 8:00 AM until midnight and is also the janitor.
  • Makes $60 per week, wears good clothes, buys good books, drives a good car... and gives about $50 per week to the poor.
  • Is twenty-eight years old and has been preaching for thirty years.
  • Has a burning desire to work with teenagers and spends all his spare time with senior citizens.
  • Smiles all the time with a straight face because he has a sense of humor that keeps him seriously dedicated to his work.
  • Makes fifteen calls a day on church families, shut-ins and hospitalized.
  • Spends all his time evangelizing the "unchurched" and is always in his office when needed.

If your pastor does not measure up, simply send this letter to six other churches that are tired of their pastor, too. Then bundle up your pastor and send him to the church at the top of the list.

In one year, you will receive 1,643 pastors and one of them should be perfect.

WARNING!!! Keep this letter going! One church broke the chain and got its old pastor back in less than three months.

Kids' letters to God

Dear GOD,
I read the Bible. What does 'begat' mean? Nobody will tell me.
-Love, Alison

Dear GOD,
Did you mean for the giraffe to look like that or was it an accident?

Dear GOD,
Who draws the lines around the countries?

Dear GOD,
My brother is a rat. You should give him a tail. Ha ha.

Dear GOD,
You don't have to worry about me. I always look both ways.

Dear GOD,
I think about You sometimes even when I'm not praying.

Dear GOD,
We read Thomas Edison made light. But in Sunday school they said you did it. So I bet he stoled your idea.
Sincerely, Donna

Dear GOD:
The bad people laughed at Noah - "You made an ark on dry land you fool." But he was smart, he stuck with You. That's what I would do.

Dear GOD,
I didn't think orange went with purple until I saw the sunset you made on Tuesday. That was cool!
A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to honor thy father and thy mother, she asked "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?"
Without missing a beat, one little boy answered, "Thou shall not kill."
Courtroom Bloopers
M. L. Gilman has collected many of the more hilarious courtroom bloopers in two books - "Humor in the Court" and "More Humor in the Court." Here are some doozies from Mrs. Gilmanís two volumes...

* Q. Did you ever stay all night with this man in New York?
* A. I refuse to answer that question.
* Q. Did you ever stay all night with this man in Chicago?
* A. I refuse to answer that question.
* Q. Did you ever stay all night with this man in Miami?
* A. No.

* Q. Now, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated?
* A. By death.
* Q. And by whose death was it terminated?

* Q. Doctor, did you say he was shot in the woods?
* A. No, I said he was shot in the lumbar region.

* Q. What is your name?
* A. Ernestine McDowell.
* Q. And what is your marital status?
* A. Fair.

* Q. Are you married?
* A. No, Iím divorced.
* Q. And what did your husband do before you divorced him?
* A. A lot of things I didnít know about.

* Q. And who is this person you are speaking of?
* A. My ex-widow said it.

* Q. How did you happen to go to Dr. Cherney?
* A. Well, a gal down the road had had several of her children by Dr. Cherney, and said he was really good.

* Q. Do you know how far pregnant you are right now?
* A. I will be three months November 8th.
* Q. Apparently then, the date of conception was August 8th?
* A. Yes.
* Q. What were you and your husband doing at that time?

* Q. Mrs. Smith, do you believe that you are emotionally unstable?
* A. I should be.
* Q. How many times have you committed suicide?
* A. Four times.

* Q. Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
* A. All my autopsies have been performed on dead people.

* Q. Were you acquainted with the deceased?
* A. Yes, sir.
* Q. Before or after he died?

* Q. Officer, what led you to believe the defendant was under the influence?
* A. Because he was argumentary and he couldnít pronunciate his words.

* Q. What happened then?
* A. He told me, he says, "I have to kill you because you can identify me."
* Q. Did he kill you?
* A. No.

* Q. Mrs. Jones, is your appearance this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
* A. No. This is how I always dress when I go to work.

* THE COURT: Now, as we begin, I must ask you to banish all present information and prejudice from your minds, if you have any.

* Q. Did he pick the dog up by the ears?
* A. No.
* Q. What was he doing with the dogís ears?
* A. Picking them up in the air.
* Q. Where was the dog at this time?
* A. Attached to the ears.

* Q. When he went, had you gone and had she, if she wanted to and were able, for the time being excluding all the restraints on her not to go, gone also, would he have brought you, meaning you and she, with him to the station?
* MR. BROOKS: Objection. That question should be taken out and shot.

* Q. And lastly, Jimmy, all your responses must be oral. O.K.? What school do you go to?
* A. Oral.
* Q. How old are you?
* A. Oral.

* Q. What is your relationship with the plaintiff?
* A. She is my daughter.
* Q. Was she your daughter on February 13, 1979?

* Q. Now, you have investigated other murders, have you not, where there was a victim?

* Q. ...and what did he do then?
* A. He came home, and next morning he was dead.
* Q. So when he woke up the next morning he was dead?

* Q. Did you tell your lawyer that your husband had offered you indignities?
* A. He didnít offer me nothing; he just said I could have the furniture.

* Q. So, after the anesthesia, when you came out of it, what did you observe with respect to your scalp?
* A. I didnít see my scalp the whole time I was in the hospital.
* Q. It was covered?
* A. Yes, bandaged.
* Q. Then, later on.. what did you see?
* A. I had a skin graft. My whole buttocks and leg were removed and put on top of my head.

* Q. Could you see him from where you were standing?
* A. I could see his head.
* Q. And where was his head?
* A. Just above his shoulders.

* Q. Do you drink when youíre on duty?
* A. I donít drink when Iím on duty, unless I come on duty drunk.

* Q. ...any suggestions as to what prevented this from being a murder trial instead of an attempted murder trial?
* A. The victim lived.

* Q. Are you sexually active?
* A. No, I just lie there.

* Q. Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
* A. Yes, I have been since early childhood.

* Q. The truth of the matter is that you were not an unbiased, objective witness, isnít it. You too were shot in the fracas?
* A. No, sir. I was shot midway between the fracas and the naval.

* Q. (Showing man picture.) Thatís you?
* A. Yes, sir.
* Q. And you were present when the picture was taken, right?
Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother, "Why is the bride dressed in white?"

"Because white is the color of happiness, and today is the happiest
day of her life."

The child thought about this for a moment, then said, "So why is the
groom wearing black?"
A cop pulls over a carload of nuns....

Cop: "Sister, this is a 65 MPH highway -- why are you going so slow?"

Sister: "Sir, I saw a lot of signs that said the speed limit is 22."

Cop: "Sister, that's not the speed limit, that's the number of the highway you're on!"

Sister: "Oh! Silly me! Thanks for letting me know. I'll be more careful."

At this point the cop looks in the back seat where he saw two other nuns, trembling like they were having nervous breakdowns.

Cop: "One more thing, Sister... what's wrong with your friends back there? They're shaking something terrible."

Sister: "Oh, we just got off of Highway 99."
I don't know what's wrong with my television set. I keep getting Christian TV and the Home Shopping Network on the same channel. I actually bought a church choir the other night.
I once heard a preacher say that it's man's spirit that makes him different from animals.

That may be true, but I think there's one other thing that separates us from animals. We aren't afraid of vacuum cleaners.
God's command to live holy has not been tried and found wanting. It has been found difficult, and left untried.
It was a divine sermon. For it was like the peace of God -- which passeth all understanding. And like His mercy, it seemed to endure forever. (Samuel Taylor Coleridge)
About those silly psychic hotlines...

Back off! You're standing on my aura. (Duhhh)

All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

Why do psychics have to ask you for your name and VISA card number?

Two silkworms were in a race. They ended up in a tie.

Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.
Good Morning Lord,

Thank you for this sink of dirty dishes; we have plenty of food to eat.

Thank you for this pile of dirty, stinky laundry; we have plenty of nice clothes to wear.

And I would like to thank you, Lord, for these unmade beds; they were so warm and comfortable last night. I know that many have no bed.

My thanks to you, Lord, for this bathroom, complete with all the splattered mirrors, soggy, grimy towels and dirty lavatory; they are so convenient.

Thank you for this finger-smudged refrigerator that needs cleaning. It has served us faithfully for many years. It is full of cold drinks and enough leftovers for two or three meals.

Thank you, Lord, for this oven that absolutely must be cleaned today; it has baked so many delicious meals over the years.

Lord, the presence of all these chores awaiting me says You have richly blessed my family. I shall do them cheerfully and I shall do them gratefully.

Even though I clutch my blanket and growl when the alarm rings, Thank you, Lord, that I can hear. There are many who are deaf.

Even though I keep my eyes closed against the morning light as long as possible, thank you, Lord, that I can see. Many are blind.

Even though I huddle in my bed and put off rising, Thank you, Lord, that I have the strength to rise. There are many who are bedridden.

Even though the first hour of my day is hectic, when socks are lost, Toast is burned and tempers are short, my children are so loud, Thank you, Lord, for my family. There are many who are lonely.

Even though the routine of my job is often monotonous, Thank you, Lord for the opportunity to work. There are many who have no job.

Even though I grumble and bemoan my fate from day to day and wish my circumstances were better, Thank you, Lord, for life.






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