Bible Bell's Clean Yuma
September 1999

Q: What do you get if you cross a Jehovah's Witness and a Unitarian?
A: Someone who goes around knocking on doors for no apparent reason.
Abraham bought himself a fancy new computer. He was showing it to Isaac one day. "Look at all the wonderful programs it has on it. And look at all the neat things it can do..."

Isaac was impressed, but a little concerned. "Golly gee willikers, dad, I don't think your computer has enough memory."

Abraham said "Don't worry, son. The Lord will provide the RAM."
"There will be a meeting of the Board immediately after the service," announced the pastor.

After the close of the service, the Church Board gathered at the back of the auditorium for the announced meeting. But there was a stranger in their midst -- a visitor who had never attended their church before.

"My friend," said the pastor, "Didn't you understand that this is a meeting of the Board?"

"Yes," said the visitor, "and after today's sermon, I suppose I'm just about as bored as anyone else who came to this meeting."
A Sunday School student was asked to list the Ten Commandments on the chalkboard in any order. He wrote, "3, 6, 1, 8, 4, 5, 9, 2, 10, 7."
Rumor has it that Billy Graham Ministries is starting up a Emotional Support Group for men who are experiencing the trauma of hair loss. Reportedly they close every meeting with the benediction, "Go, and thin no more!"

More bloopers from Church Bulletins...

A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.

The church is glad to have with us today as our guest minister the Rev. Shirley Green who has Mrs. Green with him. After the service we request that all remain in the sanctuary for the Hanging of the Greens.

The Teen Sunday School Class will be presenting Shakespeare's "Hamlet" in the church basement on Friday at 7 p.m. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.

If God left messages on your telephone answering machine...

  • Let's meet at my house Sunday before the game.
  • C'mon over and bring the kids.
  • What part of "Thou Shalt Not..." didn't you understand?
  • We need to talk.
  • Loved the wedding! Invite me to the marriage.
  • That "Love Thy Neighbor" thing... I meant it.
  • Will the road you're on get you to my place?

Kids' letters to God...

Dear GOD...

  • Maybe Cain and Abel would not kill each other so much if they had their own rooms. It works with my brother. -Larry
  • If You watch me in church on Sunday, I'll show You my new shoes. -Mickey
  • In school they told us what You do. Who does it when You are on vacation? -Jane
  • I read the Bible. What does "begat" mean? Nobody will tell me. -Alison
  • Are You really invisible or is it just a trick? -Lucy
  • Is it true my father won't get into Heaven if he uses his bowling words in the house? -Anita
  • Did You mean for the giraffe to look like that or was it an accident? -Norma
  • Who draws the lines around the countries? -Jan
  • I went to this wedding and they kissed right in church. Is that okay? -Neil
  • Thank you for the baby brother, but what I prayed for was a puppy. -Joyce
  • Please send me a pony. I never asked for anything before. You can look it up. -Bruce
  • If we come back as something, please don't let me be Jennifer Horton because I hate her. -Denise
  • My brother is a rat. You should give him a tail. Ha! Ha! -Danny
  • You don't have to worry about me. I always look both ways. -Dean
  • I think the stapler is one of your greatest inventions. -Ruth
  • Of all the people who work for You I like Noah and David the best. -Rob
  • My brother told me about being born but it doesn't sound right. He's just kidding, isn't he? -Marsha






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