Q. Who was the greatest financier in the Bible ?
A. Noah: He was floating his stock, while everyone else was in liquidation.
Q. Who was the greatest female financier in the Bible?
A. Pharaoh's daughter: She went down to the bank of the Nile and drew out a little prophet.
Q. What kind of man was Boaz before he got married?
A. Ruth-less.
Q. What cars are in the Bible?
A. Jehovah drove Adam and Eve out of the Garden in a Fury.
A. David's Triumph was heard throughout the land.
A. Honda... because the apostles were all in one Accord.
Q. Who was the greatest comedian in the Bible?
A. Samson: He brought the house down.
Q. What excuse did Adam give to his children as to why he no longer lived in Eden?
A. Your mother ate us out of house and home.
Q. Who is the greatest baby-sitter mentioned in the Bible?
A. David: He rocked Goliath to sleep.
Q. How do we know that Job went to a chiropractor?
A. Because Job 16:12a says, "I was at ease, but He has shattered me; He also has taken me by my neck, and
shaken me to pieces"
Q. Where is the first tennis match mentioned in the Bible ?
A. When Joseph served in Pharaoh's court.
Q: Which Bible character had no parents ?
A: Joshua, son of Nun. |
A new Pastor in a small Oklahoma town spent the first four days making
personal visits to each of the members, inviting them to come to his first services.
The following Sunday the church was all but empty. Accordingly, the Pastor placed a notice in the local newspapers,
stating that, because the church was dead, it was everyone's duty to give it a decent Christian burial. The funeral
would be held the following Sunday afternoon, the notice said.
Morbidly curious, a large crowd turned out for the "funeral." In front of the pulpit, they saw a closed
coffin, smothered in flowers. After the Pastor delivered the eulogy, he opened the coffin and invited his congregation
to come forward and pay their final respects to their dead church.
Filled with curiosity as to what would represent the corpse of a "dead church," all the people eagerly
lined up to look in the coffin. Each "mourner" peeped into the coffin then quickly turned away with a
guilty, sheepish look.
In the coffin, tilted at the correct angle, was a large mirror.
(Not a very funny a joke, huh? Well, maybe you didn't "get
it." If not, the Bible will explain it to you. Just read Revelation 3.1-2.) |
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Actual answers to 6th grade history tests...
- The Bible is full of interesting caricatures. In Guinessis, Adam
and Eve were created from an apple tree. One of their children, Cain, asked, "Am I my brother's son?"
- Moses led the Hebrew slaves to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened
bread, which is bread made without any ingredients.
- Moses went up on Mt. Cyanide to get the Ten Commandments. He died
before he ever reached Canada.
- Solomon had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.
- Ancient Egypt was inhabited by mummies and they all wrote in hydraulics.
They lived in the Sarah Dessert. The climate of the Sara is such that the inhabitants have to live elsewhere.
- The Greeks were a highly sculptured people, and without them we wouldn't
have history. The Greeks also had myths. A myth is a female moth.
- Actually, Homer was not written by Homer but by another man of that
name.
- Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving people
advice. They killed him. Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock. After his death, his career suffered a dramatic
decline.
- In the Olympic games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled biscuits,
and threw the java.
- Eventually, the Romans conquered the Greeks. History calls people
Romans because they never stayed in one place for very long.
- Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul. The
Ides of March murdered him because they thought he was going to be made king. Dying, he gasped out, "Tee hee
Brutus."
- Nero was the cruel tyranny who would torture his subjects by playing
the fiddle to them.
- Magna Carta provided that no man should be hanged twice for the same
offense.
- Joan of Arc was burnt to a steak and was canonized by Bernard Shaw.
- In medieval times most people were alliterate. The greatest writer
of the futile ages was Chaucer, who wrote many poems and verses and also wrote literature.
- Another story was William Tell, who shot an arrow through an apple
while standing on his son's head.
- Queen Elizabeth was the "Virgin Queen." As a queen she
was a success. When she exposed herself before her troops they all shouted "hurrah!"
- It was an age of great inventions and discoveries, Gutenberg invented
removable type and the Bible. Another important invention was the circulation of blood.
- Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure because he invented cigarettes
and started smoking.
- Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a 100-foot clipper.
- The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespeare. He
was born in the year 1564, supposedly on his birthday. He never made much money and is famous only because of his
plays. He wrote tragedies, comedies and hysterectomies, all in Islamic pentameter.
- Writing at the same time as Shakespeare was Miguel Cervantes. He
wrote Donkey Hote.
- The next great author was John Milton. Milton wrote Paradise Lost.
Then his wife died and he wrote Paradise Regained.
- During the Renaissance, America began. Christopher Columbus was a
great navigator who discovered America while cursing about the Atlantic. His ships were called the Nina, the Pinta,
and the Santa Fe.
- Later, the Pilgrims crossed the ocean, and this was called Pilgrim's
Progress. The winter of 1620 was a hard one for the settlers. Many died and many babies were born. Captain John
Smith was responsible for all this.
- One of the causes of the Revolutionary War was the English put tacks
in their tea. Also the colonists would send their parcels through the post without stamps. Finally the colonists
won the War and no longer had to pay for taxis.
- Delegates from the original 13 states formed the Contented Congress.
Thomas Jefferson, a virgin, and Benjamin Franklin were two singers of the Declaration of Independence.
- Franklin discovered electricity by rubbing two cats backwards and
declared, "A horse divided against itself cannot stand." Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead.
- Soon the Constitution of the United States was adopted to secure
domestic hostility.
- Abraham Lincoln became America's greatest Precedent. Lincoln's mother
died in infancy and he was born in a log cabin which he built with his own hands.
- Abraham Lincoln freed the slaves by signing the Emasculation Proclamation.
On the night of April 14, 1865, Lincoln went to the theater and got shot in his seat by one of the actors in a
moving picture show. The believed assassinator was John Wilkes Booth, a supposingly insane actor. This ruined Booth's
career.
- Gravity was invented by Issac Walton. It is chiefly noticeable in
the autumn when the apples are falling off the trees.
- Johann Bach wrote a great many musical compositions and had a large
number of children. In between he practiced on an old spinster which he kept up in his attic. Bach died from 1750
to the present.
- Bach was the most famous composer in the world and so was Handel.
Handel was half German half Italian and half English. He was very large.
- Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf he
wrote loud music. He took long walks in the forest even when everyone was calling for him. Beethoven expired in
1827 and later died for this.
- The French Revolution was accomplished before it happened and catapulted
into Napoleon. Napoleon wanted an heir to inherit his power, but since Josephine was a baroness, she couldn't have
any children.
- The sun never set on the British Empire because the British Empire
is in the East and the sun sets in the West.
- Queen Victoria was the longest Queen. She sat on the throne for 63
years. She was a moral woman who practiced virtue. Her death was the final event which ended her reign.
- The 19th century was a time of a great many thoughts and inventions.
People started reproducing by machine. The invention of the steamboat caused a network of rivers to spring up.
Cyrus McCormick invented the McCormick raper, which did the work of a hundred men. Louis Pasteur discovered a cure
for rabbis.
- Charles Darwin was a naturalist who wrote the Organ of the Species.
- Madman Curie discovered radio.
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